On my favorite cup
There’s a clip from Adventure Time, where Jake says “See this cup? This is literally my favorite cup.” He then throws it out of the window and says “Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore”. I think about that a good amount.
I think a lot of my problems are not real. I always say this, but I don’t actively consider it as much as I probably should: almost all problems are usually miscommunications. Or at least something that stems from that. So many of my problems aren’t real, they are easily solved, or misconceptions that I have. I think I need to get more into the habit of just sitting and existing with them, without it necessarily needing a solution from me immediately. I’m glad I do stuff like CBT to address it, as I think that helps me reframe my thoughts a lot.
My depression has gotten worse again, and both my psychiatrist and therapist pushed me to look for treatment again. I might just go back to SSRIs in the hope that they help, I just don’t want to be on such a high dose again. I’m currently looking at Transcranial magnetic stimulation treatment, and hopefully that works. I’m kinda tired of living like this, to be honest. Not saying that I want to die or anything like that thankfully, but I’m just tired. I’m tired always, and I don’t really have it in me to do anything. I just want to sleep for a few months. Maybe then I’ll be better.
Situation: I might start treatment again
Thoughts: It won’t work, and I just end up having to deal with side effects and lose valuable experiences in life due to them. It’s just like SSRI’s again.
Feelings: Feel hopeless, and like I don’t want to do it or anything else.
Behavior: I sit here and rot
Thoughts: There’s more to gain than there is to lose. Also, TMS is a new thing, and seems very promising. And maybe it does work.
Feelings: I feel tired, but a bit more optimistic. At least enough to try to go through with it.
Behavior: Maybe I get better, at least I try.
I’m going to go to sleep. Hopefully, I wake up and somethings different. My DBT workbook is coming soon, I’m at least looking forward to that. I love you Ansh ♥