An Open Letter

Wow, two posts today and it isn’t even 5 PM. A new friend asked me if I was interested in going to a rave with them in a group, and I was super excited and said yes! I asked them if they had already bought the tickets, and they said they were going to once payday hits. The tickets are about $150, and it was a little bit surprising to me and put things back into perspective about how things can be. For me right now, if I want to buy something like that, I don’t have to wait for payday, I don’t really even know when my payday is because I have plenty of a buffer. But at the same time, I realized how I was actually really stressed about money recently, because with property tax on my house, it is essentially an extra 22,000 a year. I know that most of my RSU’s are going towards that, and I also have ESPP. And I know that I also have things like the bonus I got recently, or just general savings, and I am also still maxing out by HSA and contributing to my 401(k). But with these things and also making more money than I could’ve imagined, I realized I am so incredibly stressed about money because realizing that I am essentially paying $6.5 thousand a month for the house that feels like I am suffocating, even though I still have so much money left over all things considered that I am able to live a very lavish life. I don’t have to skim on eating or or even even really have to focus on cutting costs there for me to at least continue the way that I am. I am also able to do things like pay $220 a month for Powerlifting Coaching as a hobby in addition to all of the other other random stuff I spend money on. I don’t have to worry about trips or things like that, and yet with all of this, I am still stressed financially. And this Stress originally came from the thought about how to pay for the property tax bill. I would have to touch the $20,000 of cash I have put aside to pay out the car loan, since it is slightly more favorable for me to do that rather than paying it off. And just a thought of having to touch that money temporarily makes me feel stressed and like I am moving backwards. And isn’t that such a strange thing? Compared to a friend who is living paycheck to paycheck, I am able to save large amount of money while living extremely well, and still am completely fine in a spot that people would kill to be in. And the funny thing is I’m still stressed about this and it was weighing a lot on me mentally. This makes me think about both the saying that life has its way of making sure that everyone drinks their fair share of misery from its cup. And also just how chemically we have baselines and essentially, we will always build a tolerance to whatever situation. I remember, I noticed this distinctly during my masters at one point because I realized how when my life is feeling like it is falling apart or horrible, I am struggling. But at the same time when life is arguably, smooth sailing, and no real issues, I still struggle, the problem just shifts up the hierarchy of needs towards something more abstract or overarching. And I can both view this in the lens that when I have a chance to work on those bigger issues, those are the things that end up, giving me future peace and fixing some systematic issues rather than whatever the immediate alarm bill is. But also, I think you can make the argument about perpetually falling into a loop of fixing and that never ending. And it almost feels like there is a carrot on a stick tied in front of me that I will perpetually chase. And I think recognizing that is a good start. I guess this is the whole thing about the hedonic treadmill in a different way. I also think about this looking forward, where I am currently making more money than I could’ve wished for, and yet I still feel like if I can hit the next milestone, then I will be better off, and while that is true, I think it is important to recognize when I get to that situation I am also going to be looking forward again. I think there’s a little bit of a distinction though however because I remember yesterday, I was thinking about how one of the things that I would like to be able to comfortably afford is a Cleaner monthly. With my previous apartment I was able to do that and I think it drastically improved my quality of life. And I think especially with a house, that would be really nice to have, especially because I am living in this big house by myself. I think something like that does make life easier and improves it, and at the same time there are things like getting a new car or a fun car to drive, or even if I’m being really hedonistic, like an expensive fancy sports car, and it’s ironic to say that because I think you could argue that I already have that. and I think this is one of the situations where if you get that, you will enjoy it for a bit and eventually reset that baseline and you end up with what I called the caviar effect, where once you try something really nice you don’t really enjoy it like you do the first time but everything below it gets less fun. I wonder if there is some way to flesh out that framework more rootedly to understand if there’s an end to this treadmill. I think about my dad, in the sense where he did not come from poverty, but definitely came to the US without nearly as much of the privilege or foothold that I have. And I think about him now, where he is in a position where he is making an incredible amount of money, yet he still lives so modestly. I think recently he has enjoyed himself in small ways, like going on some more trips, or getting the model S plaid, but compared to the amount of money that he has made and has saved or invested, it is pennies. He talks about how if you can pay off everything and not have any debts to anyone, then you have essentially everything you need. If you own your house, own your car, rely on services little for example, like having solar power, or not super inflating your life with different dependencies, you end up with a sense of peace. And he doesn’t go crazy buying things, he enjoys his hobbies, and he is not necessarily afraid to spend money, but he simply just seems to have less want. I think if you can get to the point where you do not need to worry about money, maybe that is the ideal way to live. And while this is easy to say in theory I wonder if this is something that I can achieve the way that I am right now. Maybe it needs a fundamental shift. I guess if I think about the kinds of things that I want to spend money on, it’s kind of hard for me to actually articulate why. Let me take for example the recent things I have bought such as a LED lamp for my bedroom so that I can read in softer, warm, lighting, or the light strips I got for arguably Christmas, but also photo shoots. Or the portable flashlight for photos. I buy these things because it enable something that I want to do, but I also unfortunately am aware of the fact that I want to do a lot more things than I actually end up doing. But it feels like money is a way to enable some of these things. I want to go to a concert to have an experience because I find that I really enjoyed them. I want to go on a trip with friends, or I want to spend money on a rush to be able to clean my shower properly. And I feel like a lot of these things are arguably unnecessary, I do think that there is still certain things where I feel like within reason they are excellent uses of my money. I think concerts are my example for that, I think they do a great job of resetting me mentally and helping me enjoy life and I cherish those memories. I guess experiences are something I enjoy, or being able to build memories and I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate for me to pull this card but I know that growing up I was unable to experience a lot of things and I regretted that so much and I wanted to make sure that that did not happen again. But I think there are also certain things that I think I need money for that aren’t necessarily happy. Like wanting to buy more expensive clothes or a nice perfume or something like that to be more attractive to others. Or wanting more money to be able to comfortably pay for someone else’s dates or things like that. And I guess all of these things revolve around the central want. And it would be very deaf of me, not mention Buddhism, but my understanding being a large portion to eliminate the want. But I guess how do you differentiate between I want to do something for the wrong reasons versus I want to do something because I am excited too, like creating art or something along those lines. Like I want to experience life is that not a want?