On support
I've calmed myself down a bit enough now to just be sad about it, not much anger left. I don't really understand in my experience the idea of support from others, aside from my therapist. Maybe I'm unrealistic with my standards of empathy for lack of a better term, but I know at least how shitty I feel about it. I feel worse dealing with stuff around others compared to just being alone. Just now on the start of the trail my new bike I've been looking forward to fully broke. I just spent $50 to repair it this morning, along with other costs, all for it to almost immediately break down while shifting gears. The gear shifter fully snapped and so the bike can't even spin. That's fucking sucks, but what's worse is I was with A for our date. Instead I get to run alongside her bike, and it's already fucking hell and I wore the wrong shoes and didn't get to stretch and I feel like shit and I've had a long day and God knows more. I feel bad, and her response is telling me basically “no it's chill dw”. I ask her to take my backpack that's just holding our drinks, and at the top she complains that she can't bike with it and makes me take it back. So now I have to run with the backpack and hold both drinks with my phone flying around my pocket, since it was uncomfortable for her biking. On top of already feeling like shit for losing my bike. I start to shut down because I just feel like childhood, where I need to shut up and just take it. She keeps talking about things that make me feel worse even though I've stopped talking and am kinda avoiding her because I feel like crying. I gamble and finally ask her if we can not talk since I feel like shit, and she again minimizes how I'm feeling by saying “oh no it's ok! I don't mind!”
That one kinda broke me. It just feels like I'm just dead meat or something and it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. If I was alone at least I wouldn't feel that way. I just wanna cry. I don't want to go back to her, so I'm sitting on the cliff. I hate the fact how every emotion I show to others has to be so processed and digestable, when others have been so candid with me.
Why was my mom allowed to scream and threaten me but I couldn't say that I was sad. Why haven't things changed.