An Open Letter

“Some days I’m Van Gogh’s Starry Night other days I’m his suicide letter.”

Instead of directly talking about the quote, I want to talk about something a bit tangential. I was talking with a friend and he mentioned stoicism. This led me to eventually think about if I could lead a life of indifference would I want that, or to live a life of a constant feeling of ‘fine’. The alternative for me was living in a way where I oscillate around that point, sometimes having amazing moments where I feel full of life, and sometimes feeling horribly depressed. I may be biased as my needle is somewhat biased towards life due to things I’ve done, but I decided I’d rather live a life like that. I could argue it’s to experience more or to truly appreciate the good moments. I know I’ve begged for a nice rainbow after the most subjugating storms – and I guess my reward in that has been for the exhilarating mundane. There are small things that fill me with boundless joy which is hard to describe with words.

Do you remember that feeling of a crush? Where life suddenly feels different – where you notice things you haven’t before, and you feel change in one of the best ways. You can picture everything going right, but at the same time it’s still change and it’s terrifying. That exhilaration is what I feel seeing a cloud lit up in contrast to the other darker clouds next to it. I feel that same feeling when I smell the faint taste of a full forest in a broken leaf from a tree. I feel that love and joy for life itself, in all these mundane things. I guess that’s my rainbow, my reward.

I’m happy to be alive. Today was pretty damn rough, I found out I wasn’t offered a TA position even though the professor had explicitly requested me, and that ruined my plan for my MS. I lost access to my savings account, with all the money I’ve saved working over the last several years. I was incredibly alone in my apartment trying my best to fight off depression, and I won again. I’m glad to be alive.

I guess some CBT couldn’t hurt:

Situation: Going up to a stranger at the gym and talking to them about something random, starting a conversation if they reciprocate, and eventually asking for their contact information.

Thoughts: Guaranteed to fail, and will ruin their day. I also couldn’t possibly get along or click with anyone I meet, so it’s pointless to even try. People cannot be into me, so I am doing them a favor by leaving them alone.

Feelings: Undesirable, lonely, hopeless, and dejected

Behavior: I stay alone, and reinforce my mental idea that people could not like me. Nothing changes, only gets worse.

Now with a bit more optimism/realism

Thoughts: There is virtually no harm in this. If you are respectful about it, then it just comes off as a compliment in the worst case. In the best case, you find the one! The people I click with the most now are people I never would have thought I got along with at all, so every person I see has the potential to be a key person in my life going forward. There is no harm, and everything to gain. Go for it lmao.

Feelings: Silly, I mean if I think about it objectively it’s just so worth it. This is a thought anxiety has planted in my brain, and it is irrational. I’ve lost time to anxiety and other things, so might as well stop losing more now. I feel good and hopeful.

Behavior: I go talk to people! I make new friends, potentially go on dates, and who knows – I might even find a great relationship or even the one! Life’s better.

I’m glad I did CBT, because I logically somewhat knew I should push myself to do this anyway, but wow it feels so much more intuitively correct now. I’m proud of you for sticking with this man, love you nVvious 💞.