One
Even though we have all the information in the world from the internet I feel like I haven't understood why people would break up like this until I'm thrown deep into the ocean by it. We ended up agreeing that we should break up last night. For me I had been feeling this way for a while, because we kept having a pattern of her doing something that would hurt me, and then there wasn't a good way for me to be able to communicate that to her. I don't blame her, but I guess we are just different people. I really tried to make it work, but at some point it just wasn't going to. It hurts really bad because both I don't want it to end and I want it to work out, but at the same time it's just been eating at me and hurting me and it's for the best. It hurts because it's almost intangible on why we couldn't make it work. Like I'm struggling so much just to even put it into words, and I don't even know if I can.
I thought I was doing fine and okay, talking with friends and exercising and all that, but when I went to do my laundry and it's dark outside I realized I didn't have enough Tide pods and I almost broke down crying. This grief is painted by relief, but the grief refuses to let me forget that it exists. Fuck trying to write this in a artistic way or any stupid things like that, it really fucking hurts and I wish it didn't happen like that. Like I just don't know where the love went. It seemed so promising at the beginning, but the more and more we were together, it felt like she understood less and less of me. I felt like I just always had to argue for myself and something like that, but I don't think that's what love is supposed to feel like.
She said that she was upset that I don't listen to her problems as much anymore, and that's been because I've been struggling so fucking bad and on top of it less than a week ago I lost my mom – which was also something that she accidentally dug a knife into and that's what caused this whole thing. Well I guess it wasn't what caused it, I feel like this was coming for a while. I think more and more when we interacted love slowly turned into an understanding that she didn't get me and she wasn't going to. I kept feeling like to her I was just a benefit or resource to be used, but not an individual. I just felt so lonely when I was around her, that's a horrible feeling and I don't think that's what love should be like.
Since it's been hurting like this for a while and I fully was losing hope and finally lost all hope, it doesn't hurt as bad as I think it would have otherwise. I feel like I'm terrifyingly free. And lonely. I just wish it could have worked out, but at the end of the day I just never felt like she cared enough.
She would only do the things that I needed or try to understand me when I break apart in front of her, and in that dust I need to spoon feed her the puzzle pieces on how to love me. And then the second I start to reform myself into a human, that goes away. I don't blame her at all. I think she has so much strife and trouble in her life that maybe she just did not have the space for me in her mind, but that's still hurts me and I just could not take that.