An Open Letter

It seems like today I have lost another friend. K and I had originally a miscommunication from one of her friends who made a joke in poor taste, and then I said something over text that I think could’ve very much been misinterpreted as me being more upset than I was. I also think that K struggles with anxiety to some extent, and so me not responding for a bit, because I was not on my phone lately, led to this situation. It’s weird to say this, but it was an amicable split. But at the same time, it’s painful to have to have any kind of split in the first place. I feel like this was a clear miscommunication, and I’m honestly not sure about why this leads to this outcome. But either way, it seems like this is the path they want to go, and I will respect that. I know a bit ago I had my friendship with Elle end, and that one was a bit uglier. and I don’t want to sound naive, but I feel like both of these friendships did not end due to any significant mistake from my side. And so I almost chalk it up to occupational hazard, as a consequence of meeting people and making friends with all different types of people. I think about how connecting and building friendships with people causes there to be these places of stress that would not occur if a person does not really mean anything to you in the first place. I guess this is just another way of saying attachment. And the weird thing is, I don’t think it’s necessarily attachment from my side that I’m talking about, even though I do attach these people and I care, but I think other people attach a little bit too much, and I think the necessity and the fear of losing a relationship of that magnitude causes these reactions. I am proud of myself because I feel like I have gotten stronger, as I am not devastated or completely beside myself, overcome with anxiety, or the fear of being abandoned, causing me to act in bad ways. And I’m also proud that it’s not because I’ve emotionally wowed myself off. I think this is because I am able to have many people as friends and more reliable choices of people to heavily invest in, as opposed to fixating on few people too quickly. And it still hurts, which I think is a good thing. But it doesn’t hurt to the point of debilitating me. Which I also think is a good thing. I guess I just wish I knew a way for something like this to never happen again, but this is the cost of meeting new people and trying to form connections.