An Open Letter

N Said something that pissed me off in our group chat, and so I messaged L About it and we just kept talking in the conversation shifted and we ended up calling, and we called for like almost 2 hours lol. I’ve been just walking around my downstairs island this whole time, and we talked about deciding on a PhD and how different the world is after college, and how much Stress there was for stuff that really didn’t matter. it was honestly really nice because he was in a very similar situation to what I was in, so I felt like I was able to give some pretty good advice or at least explain how things went for me. And also I guess I kind of realize how things feel good. I’ve spent a lot of time with friends remotely today, and it’s to the point where spending some time alone actually feels like a treat sometimes. I think after the breakup I was very worried about that, because the crushing loneliness absolutely is miserable. But I think if I keep my life filled through all of these different means, yes it’s a little bit less intense and I do miss certain things that you can only really have in a relationship, but my life overall feels richer. I think this is the healthier version for life, and it’s much more stable. And I think once in a while I do have these pangs of missing certain things from a relationship, like sex, or those cringe things you can do as a couple. But at the same time it’s not nearly enough to heavily sit in my mind which is really nice. It’s also nice because I don’t feel like I’m hyper focusing on how to make myself a more desirable partner, but rather just how to fill up a life more for myself. And I think dating is almost shifting in my mind into something where I’m in a position of power, in wanting to find out or understand more about the other person, and if they are someone that I would want to spend my life with. Before I mostly viewed it I think as an interview where I really wanted to be chosen. But I think dating apps and other things really skewed that for me, and I’m very grateful and excited honestly to view things in this lens.