An Open Letter

I sometimes get taken aback out of the blue with how effective journaling is. Last night I ended up basically just venting and doing the journaling technique Huberman recommended in that one podcast. I do feel a lot better after that, as I was able to put all of those toxic thoughts down somewhere so they aren’t just chilling in the back of my mind.

Today I had some frustration and pent-up anger so I was excited for my workout, as today is my primary deadlift / secondary squat day. I recently found out I have long femurs, so I’ve been trying to learn how to accommodate that properly, and I took a wider stance on both lifts. That was absolutely magical, as everything was lighter, and didn’t hurt my spine at all! I had a manually set weight of 345 lbs for my single on deadlift, which was kinda frustrating as that was fairly lightweight, I think I put that as an RPE 5 or so. After that, for backoffs, I had -15% of my top set, which ended up being 250 lbs for 5 reps without even having to pause. I put that as an RPE 0 because cmon now. After fixing my foot placement, it felt so light. I just threw that weight up and it felt like a warmup (I guess because it kinda is).

I’m a bit nervous now thinking about it, I have 48 days left until my deadline for 1k lbs. I ran the math again like I have plenty of times before, and it felt scary. I don’t know if I can hit 315 on squat, or 405 on deadlift. And even if I can do both of those I need 55 more pounds somewhere distributed across those. I think I can probably do 20lbs more on bench comfortably (I hope) so now is just 35 lbs. Those are going to be the heaviest 35 lbs of my life I think. I no longer am super confident in my ability to do this in time, but I think that will make success that much sweeter if it happens.

I was thinking about it today, if I can do it I want to be so overcome with emotions I just grab my headphones and smash them on the floor. I want to be overcome with emotions and feel that, at least once in my life. That feeling of losing control.

I don’t like to say things like this, as I fear that I’ll believe it more. But I kinda hate parts of myself. I don’t say that word lightly either. But I fucking hate how I react to certain things. Why can’t I be rational and logical about these things that seem to just constantly hurt me over and over again? I know that I’m human, and that’s just how the brain works. But fuck.

I feel fucking alone. Over and over again. I find myself surrounded by people but for some reason, I just sit here alone. I regret not pushing myself to invest in other people at the start of this quarter. Now in my classes, I just feel unnecessarily alone. Why did I waste more time on E. But also I can’t even blame them, this is my own fault and own doing – even in my other classes, I did the same thing. I just want to be alone, and I want to be able to hate myself for that.

I want to hate myself for the way I feel when I step away from people and instantly feel that wave hit me. Or that feeling when I just see something that hurts me for nothing else than a memory of a scar, and how I shut down and put up the walls. It’s like the worst episode of Attack on Titan. Haha, joke. I don’t even know what it means. I hate the way my brain doesn’t think straight anymore. It’s probably because of the consistent lack of sleep I hate myself for. I hate how I take such long showers and waste what little time I have. I hate how I sit there just doom scrolling on my phone. I hate how I watch youtube when I go to eat, or how I like to eat alone. I hate how I feel sad when I get rejected when I go out of my way to try to do nice things. I hate how much I pity myself. I hate the way I think I’m better than people while also envying them. I hate how I’m self-aware of a lot of my problems, but not good enough to know how to fix them. And I especially hate myself for the things I know how I could fix, but I just don’t. Because I’m afraid of things. I’m so afraid of things. I hate how I put off calling back General Atomics to schedule an interview because I was afraid. Afraid of nothing. And because of that, the lady on the phone was caught off guard and even said she didn’t think I’d call back. I hate how I didn’t get an internship last summer because of how incompetent I am. I hate the way people always consider me smart or good at academics, because of how much I feel like a fraud. I can’t think of anything I do well. I just hate myself for it all. I hate myself for not being better than my sister growing up. I hate how I wasn’t a FACE student. I hate how I didn’t get a fucking signed letter by a senator for academic achievement. I hate how I wasn’t good enough to get into berkely, even though most of my friends did get in. I hate how I don’t have that many old friends like other people do. I hate how I don’t feel grateful for the friends I do have. I hate how I constantly compare myself. I hate myself for what happened to me as a kid. I hate myself for letting it happen. I hate myself for surpressing it for so long. I hate myself for not being able to cry for years. I hate myself for not getting into the GATE program that one year. I hate myself for getting a 3.5 freshman year. I hate myself for getting only a 1510 on the SAT. I hate myself for not getting the 36 on the ACT. I hate myself for not getting a 5 on APES. I hate myself for not doing more extracurriculars. I hate myself for the way I look. I hate myself for the way I looked. I hate the way I smile. i hate the way I dress. I hate tehw ay how I have no energy to do anything. I hate the way I put up a mask or facade when I struggle. Ih ate how I never feel like I have space to ask for help outside fo therapy. I even hate thee way how in therapy I feel like Im’ burdeing her and not even being a good client. I hate the way I’m aware of the fact I’m paying her for this. I hate how much my dad does for me. I hate how little my dad did for me. I hate the way I sat in the hospital bed alone. I hate how I only messaged Ashley something unrelated. I hate teh way I lie. I hate myself for wanting toa lways tell the truth. I hate myself for the things I think.I hate myself for the things I forget. I hate how I always forget things. Ih ate myself for doing this stupid shit where I put my problems or thoughts online. No one gives a shit. And I hate myself for thinkign anything could be different. I hate myself for being so vulnerable online because it feels like there’s no where else to put this. I hate myself for always feeling this way. I hate myself for thinking I always feel this way. I hate myself for thinking about how it’d feel if people saw this that I don’t want to know that I feel this way. I hate myself for how I can’t make coherent sentences anymore. I just sit there and look at nothing nowadays sometimes. I sometimes close my eyes when I walk forward to see how long I can walk before I hit something. If I can trust myself to open my eyes in time. I hate how on dating apps I never get any good matches. Ih ateh ow I’m single. Ih ate seeing how it feels easier for everyone else around me to get into relationships. I hat ehow I think I’m also wrong in that. I hate how other people are happier than me. I hate how as an elementary schooler I thought aobut dying and wanted to. I hate how I couldn’t speak up or take space for myself. I hate how I hurt the poeple around me with my actions and shortcomings as a person. I hate the way it hurts my chest so bad but even then I hate how I’m lying. It hurts. It doesn’t feel like im going to die. It just hurts in pangs.

I hate myself for so many fucking things. I can’t fill up a list of how I love myself like this.

I hate how I wasn’t hugged or touched as a kid. I hate how I’d go weeks at a time without even touching anything living. I wish I could have just came home and broke down crying in my parents arms. But instead I would sit there and keep quiet. I’d take showers for as long as I could, and just sit on the bathroom floor. I’d just sit there and let the water hit me and I’d stare at the wall for hours. And when I’d finally have to get out, I’d sit there on the floor naked with my head between my knees infront of the heater. That was the closest thing I had to a companion. Or a parent. or a fucking human. That little centralized piece of heat. That was the only family I really felt I had. I’d sit there and it would blow the warm heat on me, and it’d almost do as a substitute for someone hugging me. It got so bad, that in highschool on the rare occassion someone would hug me I would physically go numb. I couldn’t remember the feeling. I still think about it, J once hugged me after I told her I wanted to be hugged so badly, and my body shut down. I stood there and felt nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I remember the moment, but I didn’t feel a thing. It still kinda happens. When I get hugged my memory just stops for a bit, and I can’t really feel as much as I’d hope. I guess maybe that’s why I want to be hugged or held for a while. I can barely think of any memories of being hugged, let alone how it felt. I guess that’s kinda why I like when people hit me. Obviously not hard enough to injure me, but that pain does feel nice. Because I can hold onto that and remember that. I like it when friends hit me. I feel that stinging for a bit, and my brain can’t shut that out. How funny is it that’s how it works.

I don’t hate myself that much. But I hate things of me. I find it hard to find parts of me to love. Everything feels like a performance I do for other people for them to like me, and when a mirror gets put up and I see my acting I hate myself for it. That’s why I hate hearing my voice. Or seeing myself. It reminds me of who I am and the person I hate. Why can’t I give myself the love I give other people. I can’t think of a single person I hate other than myself.

I finally hit an ORM PR today, I had 2 sets of paused bench RPE 7-8 and did two plates + 2.5 lbs on each side. My previous one rep max was 2 plates, so I technically hit a new one rep max! I kind of just wanted to be silly and put something on my Instagram highlights because since starting powerlifting I haven’t hit any one rep maxes because that’s just now how it works unfortunately – so I’m happy to see some sort of progress there.

After I finished my scheduled stuff, I went to do calf raises like I normally do. Behind the machine is the rock climbing section, and I saw E there. I instinctively wanted to wave hi, but since they were talking to some other people I decided against it. I then felt myself filled with a very strange anger, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. I guess I was mad because of the residual feelings of remorse when they didn’t invite me to do it as we had originally planned. I’ve been wanting to go with friends or by myself just to somewhat mentally reclaim it for myself – but I just haven’t really done that.

Arguably more notably, M sent me a message on Reddit and it seemed like they were guilty of what they had done to me. I told them I harbored no resentment against them, and I was completely chilling (because I am). I guess I’m pretty proud of my commitment to facing my issues head-on and not letting them rot. I don’t feel any suppression or resentment left there, I got full closure by myself which I’m proud of.

It’s nice it’s raining. I guess I don’t really have much to say, I’m in a weird numb state. I guess I’m happy I got a lot of things done, but also I just wasn’t really enjoying the idea of doing anything for the last few hours. I just hear “heart to heart” from Mac DeMarco in my head when everything goes quiet for a bit.

I made jokes to friends showing the rain and talking about how California was on lockdown emergency – but once I got an emergency warning not to travel I got worried. I was pretty far from home and decided to try to get home ASAP so I got in my car and started to drive back. I hit some pretty pools of water which might have gotten into my car, and the scariest part was I missed an exit I could have taken on the highway due to the visibility, and so I had to go through this one stretch where the lanes collect into two and they are surrounded by barriers with less than a foot of gap on either side. Normally it is already very precarious, but while driving a truck next to me hit a huge pool of water and it completely covered my windshield for about 3 seconds, where I couldn’t see anything at all out of it. I very nearly crashed into them, and that was a horribly eye-opening experience. At some point, I will get into an accident and I’m a bit worried about how I’ll handle it. I think it could make me spiral at best, and kill me at worst.

I had a realization at some point during the concert how maybe the point of life is just to get to the next beautiful moment. In that concert was a beautiful moment, several of them. It just felt like things are bigger than me for a moment.

I wonder if other people get the same weird pang of envy when they see other people in situations you don’t get to experience. Like seeing a friend go to an art pre-college, a random party, or even childhood experiences. I feel a weird sense of longing and bitterness which I think is incredibly irrational. I can’t expect to have experienced every single thing possible, and if I somehow could I would have to give up a lot of the things I am grateful for in my life now. I still find myself envious.

I find it somewhat funny how many things in life I both fear and want to avoid, yet long for and chase. What a hypocritical little creature I am. And not to break the fourth wall or anything, but consider your own life: I’d be willing to bet there are fairly significant things you both want yet don’t want. What an interesting limbo we’re in! But also don’t you think life would be boring if everything was so linear and clearcut? I think it’s a wonderful thing to be in this life where everything is so deep and meaningful and confusing and scary. I can’t think of any other way I’d want it.

Everything's just a trick of the mind right now. I don't know what's something real to be sad about. Maybe I'm just depressed. I told myself I wouldn't even think about it until 1k so I won't. But it's scary that the thought is creeping around, waiting for a spot to move back into.

It's this weird romanticization that does it for me. I see myself laying down in an almost out of body experience, like a scene from a movie. How am I supposed to be upset at anybody? The cruelest people to me have always been victims. She was the one who found her grandma when they hung themselves. And now their mom is gone to the same curse. How can I blame them. God knows how strong she has to be. I'm sorry for everything you've had to endure, and I'm sorry I had to do what's best for me. God I'm sorry for us both.

I had a video call with my dad earlier today to sort out insurance stuff. His hair is more white than black now. I know people always mention it, but it hasn’t hit me until today that he’s getting older and he may not be around forever.

I was eating food outside by myself like I normally do, and I decided to put my phone and headphones away to sit in the moment. I thought about the memory of me acting like I was asleep in the car, and Dada carrying me inside. I started to think about how I began to be alone before I had moved out. I think around like 7th grade. It ended up being fairly easy to adapt to college because it wasn’t a big change. I wonder how much it hurts for people who had connections like that at home.

I feel pretty alone if I’m being honest. I don’t know why it’s hitting me now. I just came back from a martial arts class with some friends, and have spent most of the day around other people. I just find myself sitting alone after it’s done or spending time alone. My memory is starting to go hazy. I think I may be getting depressed again. I’ll sit with this feeling and accept it for a little bit before I try to fix it like I always want to. I feel pathetic saying this but god I just want to be held like a kid again. I just want someone to lay there and hold me without it being a burden. I miss when I was in elementary school and I would get hugged by my family. That’s all I want right now. I just want to be held.