I took today to be an absolute degenerate again, I ended up getting out of bed at 3 PM and did virtually nothing, because today is even my rest day. Life’s good in a weird way. I have been texting someone new (A), and I’ve been really enjoying their sense of humor. They kinda remind me of N, but also not nearly as rude (jk love you N). Things seem to just fall into place, everything’s kinda just fine.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – Just notice that women are interested in you, and how you are getting positive attention from several different independent sources.
I guess I don’t want to take too much time to write about things as I’ve kinda ruined my sleep schedule already out of my own hubris – but I do want to note that today was a good day. I’m content with my life and happy. Things aren’t all where I want them to be, but it’s ok regardless.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I notice that I put this journaling off until the last thing I do before I get into bed, and so I usually half-ass it as I want to just get into bed.
S – Let me try to do this a bit earlier, maybe I do this after I finish working out like I do with meditation.
T – Tomorrow after my workout when I get home do my daily post
The last thing I have is to finish editing this paper for the grad class and with that, this quarter is done. I will have completed 20 units, all with difficult courses. I’m so incredibly proud of myself for doing the things I didn’t think I was capable of. Potentially really doesn’t matter as that is only realized once you try.
R – 1 breath (any more I’ll fall asleep)
E – On hinge, women will match and then not respond to any texts, and I feel like it’s an incredibly unfair or rude thing, as it feels like I’m not a real person and rather just an option to shop over. This is however to be expected, you’ve seen the studies on dating apps etc. It isn’t that deep, just keep this in mind and don’t take it too seriously.
S – Just don’t take it too seriously
T – Continue being deranged if it makes you laugh (and doesn’t negatively affect others)
I decided to just do the Amazon interview and finished the 90-minute coding section in 12 minutes. I also believe I finished the final lab for CS 170, a month-long lab all in the span of 3 days, over about 20 hours. I also got a 14/15 in my grad class for the presentation of the 3 person project I did all by myself in about two weeks. I sometimes think about the things I’ve sacrificed to have the things I have now, like basically losing out on a childhood and being unsocialized – but god damn am I good at CS lol. I think if I can retroactively give myself the things I’ve lost, then I play the cards I’ve been dealt with well.
I used to think in highschool about how I was like a late-game league of legends character, and I just needed to thug out the early game to eventually hit the point where I scale and life is worth it. I think I’ve hit that point a while ago, much earlier than I expected. I’m pretty proud of myself for getting to this point I guess. That’s all I want to say.
R – 3 breaths
E – I guess notice how I feel good right now, and that’s probably due to interacting with friends at martial arts, working out intensely, and doing a lot of productive work. My medication probably doesn’t hurt either.
S – Take note of these things and set yourself up in the future for more of them.
T – Convince friends to join me for things, and maybe set up some group activities.
It's a weirdly overwhelming feeling. Like in a subtle creeping way. I just don't think I'm cut out for it sometimes. I know it's late and there's a huge handful of reasons why I shouldn't believe this, but I hear it nonetheless.
I guess in a weirdly poetic way today I was Cain in multiple different ways. I said that book changed my life but there weren't any tight little spirals this time. What have I done.
I sent the text to reneg on my revenge. I think regardless of this biblical punishment that's not the person I want to be, for my own selfish reasons. I'm cursed with the awareness and foresight to understand the consequences of my actions. But because of this what words or actions are actually mine? Everything is a careful decision, when except alone can I be free.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am stewing on potentially spiral worthy thoughts.
S – I don't want to give them up just yet, but I also shouldn't spiral. Let me indulge until tomorrow and then I'll process properly.
Another day of doing work, I got some pretty good progress on the lab, but it sucks that it’s due on Tuesday along with every single other final I have. Oh well, I’ll survive.
R – 3 breaths
E – I’m incredibly tired and worried about these finals, and my 1k goal.
S – To be honest, all of these problems are trivial compared to Hash or Dada being hurt. I’m grateful for these problems, and not those.
I had a final this morning, and I honestly just love this stuff. I love that feeling of knowing the material after having studied it. Today is my busy day, and so after my last class at like 6:30, I’ve been since then working on the final project for CS170. I started this quarter afraid not sure if I could handle all of this stuff, and it only got worse from there. For two huge project classes, I ended up having to do my share + 3 other people’s shares across the classes. And I did it. I’m so proud of myself. You can do so much more than you think you can, good job man.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I feel a bit conflicted as I’m not too sure how much I’m willing to compromise for a relationship, mostly because I’m happy being single. I am a little bit worried life is going to pass me by, however.
S – I have all the time in the world for now. Don’t sweat it, go and have experiences.
And with today, one grad class is virtually done. I finished the entire project, including all of the presentation slides. My partner didn’t prepare at all for the slides and just read from it – and then said the wrong information several times. As long as I get an A, I honestly don’t care. I also just finished a big assignment that the professor warned me to start early, in about 4 hours.
Let me quickly just get this DBT over with so I can get some more sleep tonight.
R – 3 breaths
E – The problem with N got blown up minorly and they responded by saying they would try to avoid group interactions, even though all of them are moving in next year.
S – Talk tomorrow to smooth things out, and leave it in a healthy spot.