An Open Letter

Today I was in a musical mood. I played guitar for over an hour and recorded a good amount. I sent a friend a snippet of a verse from the song 2009 by Mac Miller, and for once I was kinda happy hearing my voice. I used to sing a LOT, I even did choir for about 6 years, but then my voice changed and I suddenly was in between ranges and was unable to really sing. I still love to sing, but I just sound bad and I’m pretty embarrassed. But anything worth doing is worth doing badly right?

I’ve been socializing out of my mind, and I’ve been making a lot of casual friends recently. I now live in graduate student housing, and most of the people here are significantly older and are fully about the academia life. I’ve met cool people, but virtually all of them are very low-energy. I like the part of me that’s electric, on fire, and full of life. I don’t see myself being that person around them – and that makes me sad. As much as I want to build a larger social network, I can’t help but feel like I won’t find my kind of people. I guess I’m a bit afraid of that, and it feels discouraging. I love going on long walks, and I like reading, but I also love being a chaotic dumbass, and a 30-year-old PhD student doesn’t always feel the same way.

I guess to avoid being discouraged I'll do a bit of CBT on this.

Situation: I haven’t met any high-energy chaotic friends recently.

Thoughts: I feel like I will never find friends who satisfy that niche for me, and I should just give up. I also feel like I am in the wrong for not letting my inner child die yet, and I should just thug that shit out and become a permanently mature, serious adult.

Feelings: I feel discouraged, sad, and ultimately a bit alone. I feel like my emotional needs are not met, and they will not be met.

Behavior: I don’t try to socialize or meet new people, and I end up acting in a way I don’t want to around others.

Now for a different view on the same thing:

Thoughts: It’s been a small sample size, it’s only been a few days! On top of it, if I am a grad student and I am like this, I am not the ONLY person in the world to be like this. Yeah, it might be a bit less common, but there will definitely be people like that I am looking forward to meeting them, as since it’s rare it will be that much more exciting! I can also make friends with undergrads, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Feelings: I feel a bit tired, but more at peace. I feel like things will be fine, and less ‘doomsday’ about it. Sometimes it be like that, but it doesn’t mean it will stay like that.

Behavior: I keep pushing myself to meet more people, as I realize how absurd it is to make friends in the first place. I don’t give up, and I stay my authentic self.

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Shit's weird man, but I’m glad you felt good today – even if it was the medication. Proud of you Timothy Green 💖

About an hour ago I went and tried to cry in the parking lot behind a field near my new apartment. I was going to write down some shit about regret, and how I don’t want to regret not telling someone something before I don’t get a chance to again. I told a close friend I love her (platonically) today, and I’m glad I did. I texted my entire family I love them also, and it meant a lot to specifically my mom, who was struggling with her mom’s suicide.

But I’m not sad in that way anymore, and so I feel like anything I’d write would be disingenuous. So I guess I’ll ramble a bit.

I’ve been talking to two girls right now, just in the talking phase so I ethically feel fine. I honestly don’t feel that immediate aggressive spark I sometimes feel, but I think that’s a good thing, as those relationships burn out quickly. I wanted some more experience with dating, and I can’t really practice that with my “soulmate” can I?

I also feel like I’m realizing a bit more how said close friend doesn’t really care about me as much as I’d have hoped. I think this is an irrational thought, so let me CBT this in a second, but first – I’ve noticed she doesn’t read all of my messages, and she responds to messages very slowly. To me, if she texts me I prioritize that over other mundane things, and overall I do this with everyone. I hold this unrealistic metric, as I know everyone is not the same in this. But sometimes it sucks to think how someone doesn’t really want to reach out to me to tell me things, and how it’s the other way around. I think it’s unhealthy in the long run for me, as I should deal with this issue – but I do wish at least immediately she would reach out to me the same way I reach out to her. Same with my other friends. At least with other people who use stuff like TikTok, they send me videos once in a while so I know they think of me. I don’t have that assurance with this person. It sucks sometimes.

I wonder if my defense against this is to just accept it and not care. I don’t think that’s a good way of seeing life, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. I sometimes just wish someone would give me the excessive care I try to give others to retroactively fix my own issues.

CBT time.

Situation: My friend doesn’t text me the same way I text her, and she doesn’t respond to my texts as fast as I respond to hers.

Thoughts: She doesn’t care about me how I care about her. I’m just not as close a friend to her as I would have thought. If she cared about me she would text me more things, and she would also respond faster the way I do. You’re an idiot for thinking people could love you the way you want. You are unloveable, but by your own standards – which are unrealistic. Nothing will change.

Feelings: I feel like shit. I also feel like she doesn’t care about me, and by extension, none of my friends care about me. I feel alone, and I feel like a loser. I feel so fucking alone. I also feel like this is all my fault, no one else is at fault for anything. This pain is on me, and me alone.

Behavior: I isolate myself from friends, and I stop reaching out to her. I also feel bad whenever I reach out to her, or text her anything. I feel upset when she doesn’t text me back within a few hours, and I just believe she doesn’t care about me. I don’t try to maintain the friendship or anything of the sort, and I self-fulfilling prophecy in my life again.

I refuse to live this way, not for anyone else – but just for me.

Thoughts: Listen you fucking idiot. Take this to heart. She DOES care about you. REBT double standard tek – think about the friends who text you first. Do you care about them any less? No. They are the friends who come naturally and don’t require effort, and god I appreciate that tremendously. Yeah it sucks that maybe she won’t reach out to you the same way, but to her nothing is wrong – so there is no reason to change. Either accept and be content with it as is, or ask her to do things differently. You can fully ASK her to reach out to you once in a while and check in on you, or you can also just reach out yourself! You have control over communication, if you want more then text her on Instagram more. But also to debunk the other thoughts:

1. She doesn’t care about me the way I care about her – You are using a specific test to try to confirm this behavior. She has been there every time you have needed her. She has given you more than enough evidence for your own selfish therapy – at no benefit to her. She has seen your flaws and shortcomings and still values you as a close friend. BELIEVE THOSE LAST TWO WORDS IDIOT.

2. I’m just not as close a friend to her as I thought – Honestly, you could be true here. That is not at all the end of the world, this is something you need to get the fuck over. Even Lauren mentioned scarcity, and I know this is the problem. I could be a fucking acquaintance to her, and would that change anything? No. It’s just a label that you put on things to try to monkey-patch scars from childhood. Let that sit – you could be an acquaintance to her, and nothing would change. Stop being entitled to a label or more. Want will kill any joy you have in life, and this is included. Enjoy the relationship you have instead of mourning things you don’t.

3. If she cared about me she would text me more, and respond faster – Nice moving goalpost. Specifically in this relationship, she has her own shortcomings and flaws as a friend. That doesn’t involve you; also take a second to put yourself in her shoes. She is incredibly busy in person and in a fully new environment with new people and a full life. Think about when your life gets busy, how certain relationships attrition. She has put in EFFORT to maintain this relationship. Think about how stupid you’ve been here. Someone who is so incredibly busy is staying up and putting aside time EVERY DAY to respond to your stupid messages. If that’s not love what is? She doesn’t owe you enough to drop everything and respond while life is in full swing. This isn’t a bad thing, this is a “she does care” moment.

4. You’re an idiot for thinking people could love you the way you want – lmao yeah I agree. Be more reasonable, and understand how stupid you can be. I know you think you’re smart and self-aware, but check yourself. Until you sit down and really take time to process through things with CBT look how fucking dumb you can be. Keep doing this, and think about things better. Do better man. Fight.

5. You are unloveable, but by your own standards – which are unrealistic. – I’m going to take a second to look over my evidence list. RAH MAN. RAHHHH. Remember why Beth wanted the dick? Kindness. You’re loved more than you’ll be able to believe for a while. Think about how much your friends will entertain you with unreasonable things. You’re an incredible friend and more than that. People love you. Think about how many people would cry if you killed yourself lmao.

6. Nothing will change. – Remember who you’re talking about.

Checkmate. Chin up. Take a few seconds, sit in her shoes, and weep for how stupid you’ve been.

Feelings: I’m tired since it’s 1:18 a.m., but I feel content in a weird way. It’s fine dude. A little bit of tough love today, but I want this to seep in. I feel warm, I feel ok. I feel more loved than before, especially by this friend. What I feel more than anything else, however, is a determination to change. I’m grateful to be so incredibly weak in these aspects, as if I was normal I wouldn’t have any reason to work this muscle out. But god damn will I become shredded. No rest days needed here.

Behavior: I stop acting like an insecure little bitch about it. I enjoy my interactions with her, and I don’t feel entitled to more. I also don’t feel like I need more, as I can be content with what I have. I won’t ruin this friendship but rather foster it more. I lifemaxx better.

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So much for a small ramble, but goes to show how useful it is to do some daily journaling and CBT. I love you Timothy 💗, don’t forget that

A random girl on yik-yak saw my Instagram and noticed we were friends with the same person, and told me how her friend had feelings for me. I still don’t believe it for some reason, I cook up elaborate reasons on why this person doesn’t exist and how no one could have feelings for me. I genuinely think she’s lying to me. Everyone I’ve talked to has said I’m unreasonable for that, and most likely it is real. I just can’t accept it, so here I am – to CBT.

Situation: A girl told me her friend has feelings for me, and because of that she didn’t want me to find out who she was as it would give away who the friend was. She also kept mentioning how her friend would say how kind I am and how she would take it with a grain of salt, but after interacting with me believes it and has a lot of respect for me.

Thoughts: She is cooking up an elaborate scheme to not interact with me, and this was just her way out. There is no friend who has feelings for me, she just wanted an excuse to not talk to me further. People don’t and won’t have feelings for me, believing this would just be me lying to myself, and I know it.

Feelings: I feel betrayed by myself for believing I am desirable, and I feel unattractive. I feel like people could not romantically be into my personality and that people will only like me if I put on a persona.

Behavior: I just reinforce the belief from childhood that I am unloveable. I will pull away from any sort of interaction or relationship, as I believe it is not genuine and not possible. I will kill off any crush or feelings I have for people, as I do not think they could ever be reciprocated. I make this issue worse, by feeding it more.

Now for a potentially more rational take

Thoughts: Her friend has feelings for me. That’s it lol. I don’t know who the friend is, but then again I am somehow very well-known and recognized, so it could very much be someone I’m not thinking of, or even someone I am thinking of. But also, to be rational about this:

1. A very close friend has told me I’m both attractive and a very nice person, and that they fully believe people can love me

2. I have had several women have feelings for me, to the point of even asking me out

3. I am now pretty hot, I’ve had multiple women approach me about it and have shown genuine interest in me

4. I have a full list (on instruction from my therapist) of instances where women have found me attractive

5. I think I would make a great partner, and multiple women have told me that also

So with all of this evidence, I feel like this is VERY much within reason. On top of it, even if this IS a lie, it is reasonable and believable. I can use this as prime evidence to counter-condition these thought patterns and there is no harm.

Feelings: I feel a bit apprehensive, but the fact that I know that my thought pattern is that I am unloveable, and this is just me feeling pushback against that. I feel like it’s reasonable, and even though I don’t see it I feel like it can fully be true. I want to believe it.

Behavior: I start to heal. I also allow for positive feedback and engage with the people who are interested in me. I feel better and start to address this long-seated important insecurity.

It’s not lying to yourself, you’ve been lying for so long it feels like the truth. Remember that and be strong nV 💘

So this is just going to be a fully disjointed journal entry, I fully turned off my PC planning to sleep, and forgot to do my new routine, so finally ending with this.

I guess the first thing on my mind is body dysmorphia. It’s kinda back lmao. I realized while at the gym, or looking at myself in the mirror, I can see definitive changes – but at the same time the thought pattern seared into my neural pathways reminds me that I’m unattractive. I find it funny because every single person who has seen my physique now has complimented it, typically in resoundingly genuine ways. For example, a girl from my school saw my physique today and sent me a message saying how I was hot. She ended up getting my IG and, unfortunately, turned out to be a somewhat problematic person (but that’s another story). But also, several other girls have mentioned how I’m attractive, and other guys have mentioned how I have a nice body. I haven’t had any negative feedback, and positive to resoundingly positive feedback only. But I still feel unattractive, and like nothing has changed. When I look at myself while wearing clothes, or while not flexing, I see nothing different at all. Other people do, but I genuinely don’t get it. I still feel like I’m the unwanted child.

It’s frustrating in a silly way because on the one hand, I know how I’m being completely delusional and irrational, but on the other hand, it feels pretty miserable. Feels like Sisyphus if he wasn’t strong enough to even nudge the boulder. Oh, and Sisyphus is NOT happy. I might CBT here and just hide away the other thought at the end.

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Situation: I feel like nothing has visibly changed with my body unless I am either naked or revealing stuff.

Thoughts: I feel like everything is futile, and that nothing will change. I am unable to become more desirable, and the lack of feedback confirms that. I am simply just unattractive, and people could not be into me.

Feelings: I feel like shit. I also lose confidence, and will behave as someone who thinks they are undesirable. I feel ugly, and I feel unloveable.

Behavior: I self sabotage. I won’t even try to pursue relationships, and on top of that I will avoid people who are interested.

Thoughts: Problem with earlier thoughts is I HAVE resounding feedback. And it’s all good! People find me attractive now, and people genuinely are attracted to my body. People can tell the difference, even if you don’t recognize it.

Feelings: I feel better. I feel a bit more loved by myself, as it’s more reasonable to believe this even if it does feel new. I’m loveable.

Behavior: I have more confidence, I pursue people, and am open to people showing intrest towards me. I have a much better chance at a happy relationship!

I’m always surprised how logical it comes off after I just apply this framework. No gaslighting needed! Love ya feet pics ❣️

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Now for another sentiment I’ve held for a bit, and hopefully they don’t read. I realized one bad trait of someone close to me is how their word doesn’t mean much. It’s usually for harmless benign things, but it does feel a bit weird and it does make it easy for anxiety to get a hold on my mind at times. It typically is pretty small, like them saying the will do something or promising something and forgetting and not following through, but for some things it does make me sad. At one point they said they would email subscribe to this blog, after I pushed myself WAY out of my comfort zone to ask them to on advice from my therapist. They never did, even though I reminded them a few times. After the whole blog post series about that, I’ve come to terms with it and am fine with it, but it does kinda suck to know that something that meant a lot to me, and that I did my best to relay how important it was becomes something that’s forgotten and another empty promise. Kinda sucks, but in another way I’m glad they’re flawed too. It’s nice to know I’m not the only fallable person sometimes, and this is in a relatively harmless way. I am a bit worried though about how if something is important to me, and means a lot like it did then – I don’t think I have a way of making sure they don’t forget without being clingy and constantly reminding them. I feel like if they knew they wouldn’t mind, but I don’t feel comfortable asking if that’s fine. I spent a lot of time and effort on their birthday present, and they said they would take it with them overseas – I really hope they did (I don’t think they did).

“Some days I’m Van Gogh’s Starry Night other days I’m his suicide letter.”

Instead of directly talking about the quote, I want to talk about something a bit tangential. I was talking with a friend and he mentioned stoicism. This led me to eventually think about if I could lead a life of indifference would I want that, or to live a life of a constant feeling of ‘fine’. The alternative for me was living in a way where I oscillate around that point, sometimes having amazing moments where I feel full of life, and sometimes feeling horribly depressed. I may be biased as my needle is somewhat biased towards life due to things I’ve done, but I decided I’d rather live a life like that. I could argue it’s to experience more or to truly appreciate the good moments. I know I’ve begged for a nice rainbow after the most subjugating storms – and I guess my reward in that has been for the exhilarating mundane. There are small things that fill me with boundless joy which is hard to describe with words.

Do you remember that feeling of a crush? Where life suddenly feels different – where you notice things you haven’t before, and you feel change in one of the best ways. You can picture everything going right, but at the same time it’s still change and it’s terrifying. That exhilaration is what I feel seeing a cloud lit up in contrast to the other darker clouds next to it. I feel that same feeling when I smell the faint taste of a full forest in a broken leaf from a tree. I feel that love and joy for life itself, in all these mundane things. I guess that’s my rainbow, my reward.

I’m happy to be alive. Today was pretty damn rough, I found out I wasn’t offered a TA position even though the professor had explicitly requested me, and that ruined my plan for my MS. I lost access to my savings account, with all the money I’ve saved working over the last several years. I was incredibly alone in my apartment trying my best to fight off depression, and I won again. I’m glad to be alive.

I guess some CBT couldn’t hurt:

Situation: Going up to a stranger at the gym and talking to them about something random, starting a conversation if they reciprocate, and eventually asking for their contact information.

Thoughts: Guaranteed to fail, and will ruin their day. I also couldn’t possibly get along or click with anyone I meet, so it’s pointless to even try. People cannot be into me, so I am doing them a favor by leaving them alone.

Feelings: Undesirable, lonely, hopeless, and dejected

Behavior: I stay alone, and reinforce my mental idea that people could not like me. Nothing changes, only gets worse.

Now with a bit more optimism/realism

Thoughts: There is virtually no harm in this. If you are respectful about it, then it just comes off as a compliment in the worst case. In the best case, you find the one! The people I click with the most now are people I never would have thought I got along with at all, so every person I see has the potential to be a key person in my life going forward. There is no harm, and everything to gain. Go for it lmao.

Feelings: Silly, I mean if I think about it objectively it’s just so worth it. This is a thought anxiety has planted in my brain, and it is irrational. I’ve lost time to anxiety and other things, so might as well stop losing more now. I feel good and hopeful.

Behavior: I go talk to people! I make new friends, potentially go on dates, and who knows – I might even find a great relationship or even the one! Life’s better.

I’m glad I did CBT, because I logically somewhat knew I should push myself to do this anyway, but wow it feels so much more intuitively correct now. I’m proud of you for sticking with this man, love you nVvious 💞.

I wonder how long my dad would wait, or if ever, to contact banks to get access to the money I have in my savings.

I wonder if online friends would ever find out.

I wonder how hash would handle it.

She once hit me in the lung so hard I fell down and couldn’t breathe. This was right before my tennis tryouts, and my mom saw it happen. She didn’t get in trouble.

She was older than me and would hit me or scratch me with her nails so hard I would bleed. I would get in trouble if I ever tried to defend myself because I was a man. She didn’t get in trouble.

She was in her third year of college. She forgot to pack a power bank and told me to give her mine. When I told her no and she stole it from my bag, she then threw the brick at my head, hard enough to damage the wall. My parents wouldn’t even scold her. Instead, my mom screamed at me and said she should just hang herself because I was begging them to tell her to stop. I left my phone and left the hotel at night in a foreign country, and went to lie down in the dark street so a car would hit me and I would die. My dad had to go searching for me to find me, and he told me he couldn’t tell my sister to stop, and asked me what I wanted him to even do.

I could fill a book with the cruelty I’ve endured at the hands of another person, and not a single sentence would be about a man. My mother would constantly remind me and treat me like a monster because I was born male. What she didn’t realize was I was just a child. I did nothing. Why did I deserve it?

Hey me. To be fully honest, I feel like shit right now. I just moved into my new apartment for the year, and anxiety has been making me its bitch. I started to write down a list of things going wrong, but I ended up deleting them because frankly, it isn’t that bad. I still feel like shit though. I walked around the field behind my apartment for a while trying to figure out some things, as maybe working on some issues of mine would help me to feel better. It sucks that time is the main cure here, and there’s not much I can do for a bit except just ride out the storm.

One thing I was working on today during a walk was a deep dive into an insecurity I’ve had since childhood. This was all spurred on by a close friend who mentioned how a D1 athlete asked them out, and how they were flattered. Honestly, even after processing things and trying to learn more about it it still kinda does feel bad, and that’s fully due to my own issues – not at all because of them. I also am glad they did mention it, I really do value that even though it stirs up insecurity on my end, as I get to better figure out issues I hold and I can start to address them.

Now that being said, one route I went down was on how I felt envious of her having people show interest in her. I know that it also is a disproportionate comparison, as she is a woman, and I am a man – and with heteronormative standards women are pursued, not the other way around. I guess that’s a good point to start some CBT with.

Situation: Female friend receiving attention from D1 male athlete, with them asking her out.

Thoughts: I am undesirable, as I have not been asked out like that. I am still the kid who people couldn’t be attracted to, and they were right all along.

Feelings: Miserable, hopeless, unattractive, lonely, pathetic, and ultimately like a piece of filth.

Behavior: Lose confidence, body image issues again, reject any potential for intimacy, isolate myself from people, and harbor resentment toward others.

Now without the tried and false thought pattern (haha):

Thoughts: There are several things to unpack here:

1. This was one example she mentioned – I have also been asked out by my ex-GF.

2. She is a woman, and in our heteronormative culture, men are not asked out. The fact that I WAS asked out should mean even more!

3. I only very recently had a huge glow-up, and so I haven’t even got to test out how that goes

4. I have had numerous people want to, and have sex with me due to my appearance and body – not my personality. That is quite literally someone finding me desirable

5. I am an Indian man at a very white school, she is a white woman. There is something to say there.

Feelings: I honestly feel pretty silly for believing such an irrational thought, just to continue the narrative of how I’m unloveable and untouchable. I don’t feel upset at myself for this, as I know why and I get how hard it is to break apart from something reinforced into you. But also, I feel better. I feel attractive and desired. I feel like I can be loved, which does feel weird – but in a nice way!

Behavior: I have more confidence, and I want to go and pursue people. I feel like I can genuinely be happy for friends having success in this category. I feel motivated and hopeful.

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Yeah scratch all of this, a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me immediately told me to kill myself because I’m a man. She then doubled down and said how it isn’t sexism to hate men, since men cannot be oppressed, and my friend laughed about it. I know I’m just too sensitive here, but tell that to the women (plural) who sexually abused me or the countless others who were unnecessarily cruel to me, leading to my eventual suicide attempts. Tell me again how I was the monster here like my mom always told me.

I'm pretty sure this was only verbally mentioned in an exurb1a video – but my recollection of the story goes like this:

A rich man goes to a priest to ask on advice on how to do good. The priest tells him to do charity, and expect nothing in return. After a while, the man comes back and mentions how he was going to do charity but had put his name on the donation, and as a result any good he did would be tainted by the desire for accolades, and asked the priest if he would ruin the good act. The priest replied how the people receiving the charity don't care about his intentions, and just care about the support, and told the man to do it anyway.

Does it matter if I have twisted intentions as long as at the end of the day I am kind?

I dropped off a invincible squeaky toy at a friend's house, for her dog who is notorious for demolishing squeakers. I wanted that to be today's act of kindness I didn't tell others about. Honestly I felt somewhat conflicted about writing about it here, and I ended up with the cope that no one reads this and so it's essentially just a journal to myself. That being said, you should have seen how funny it was! I left the toy on their doorstep and knocked and walked away. On it I had a paper saying it was for the dog. When he opened the door, he was so confused – he just went “Hello? What? Who's there? Huh?” and just stood outside for a few seconds trying to figure out what happened. He eventually took the toy in, and I really hope Sadie enjoys it.

I felt good doing something for no validation or reward. But at the same I realized how it was still performative. I mentally couldn't get rid of the thought of him telling her mom, who tells her, who figures out it's me. It feels like a kind act becomes a convoluted plot to get admiration or respect through proxy, all while seeming humble about it. I'd like to hope this outlandish plot doesn't unfold, as I want to be able to do nice things without there being an alterior motive. But damn, I want the reward.

I thought about this too, some things I wanted to start doing this year were things like taking care of gravestones of random people, and voulenteering at a place to help the homeless. A significant part of me wants to do these as part of my gentle protest, but at the same time a small part of me hopes it eventually gets revealed somehow and people recognize how “selfless” I am. It honestly feels pretty sickening to myself that I even think that, and even worse part of me wants to avoid doing it to avoid indulging into that weird fantasy.

It's the same weird feeling as donating to a charity anonymously. Even if I had the finances to be able to do that, the idea of having zero way to prove you did something nice feels bad to me. I love the idea of donating under an alias, but that's because eventually you could show the alias is you and cash in all those kind acts. I feel like this proves to me how corrupt I am. But that being said, I don't feel corrupt when I do my small acts of kindness, where I'm truly not expecting any sort of reward or recognition for it. My line on this is blurry, and I hope I can smudge it over time to the place I want it to be, as lord knows we could use more kindness.

I'd like to be a kind person, but sometimes I don't exactly get where I end and where who I want to be seen as begins.