An Open Letter

I slept 5 hours had no caffeine today, and have been hanging out the entire day non-stop. Since waking up, until right now. Maybe it's understandable that I'm feeling the way I do. I am happy I think.

In the sense of a horrible bedtime lol. I started playing league here and there, like a game or two at night once I’m done with my stuff if I have the time. It’s been fun, and a nice little calm way to just watch youtube while boosting a friend’s account, but at the same time it’s incredibly easy to want to queue up another game and sleep 30 minutes later. But that 30 minutes turns into an hour, and then suddenly it’s 2:48 in the morning. Oh well, such is life.

And I just felt happy. Like genuine happiness. I even complimented a girl and she was flattered by it. I made my silly little videos and made my friends laugh. It was a good day.

Back to this I guess, I spent the last 5 or so hours working on this lab, and I got an incredible amount of work done. I honestly enjoyed this a lot more than if I played a game or two of league of legends, and my only regret is that I am going to be sleeping a bit late. I guess I should keep this brief so that I can get some well-needed rest for tomorrow. Goodnight!

I find it fairly ironic how clueless I am in a lot of casual interactions, and I’d like to attribute it to a lack of experience in said situations. I feel kinda resentful towards my parents for forcing me to do that, but I guess I am grateful for the consequences of it.

For about a year and 3 months now I’ve been keeping a gratitude list on my phone. Every day I write down 5 things I’m grateful for, that made me happy. I want to at some point make a word cloud of it to visualize it, but even without that, I think I’ve learned a lot about myself. I virtually never have put down things like playing games by myself or killing time on TikTok, but consistently I write down my interactions with friends, even things as small as reminders that I have these people as good friends. I find myself putting down S, S, L, and L fairly frequently. Maybe I should target my life more towards things I am grateful for, rather than live life and then later notarize the parts I like. Oh well, let me go to bed at a reasonable time today – I’ve been messing up my sleep schedule a bit too much recently and I want to stop that. Goodnight!

Yesterday I got home very late as I was at a friend’s place playing Mario party while drunk. Absolute blast of a time, and I hope we can do it again. Tomorrow I think I’m going to watch a movie at a friend’s place and I hope I get to see their weird ass housemate, so that’s something else to look forward to. I’m just overall content I think again.

I spent another 3-4 hours helping people out with a difficult week outside of my paid time for the class I’m teaching. Tomorrow I hope I can have a good day, I’m planning on doing another “psilocybin treatment”. Shame I’m incredibly busy now adays, but also next quarter I barely will have any classes so I’m quite sad about that. Oh well, I am just hoping I can finish this goal within 40 days. I don’t know if I can anymore.

I say better because I’m not fully sure it’s good, but I do feel better. I ended up crying at the top of a parking structure because some more shit happened today lol, but S called me and we talked about something unrelated for a while until I forgot I was overwhelmed. I got my bike fixed and kept doing the things I needed to do. I played with Hash, got him his birthday gifts, and pet him a ton. I went and worked out, and then got some work done at home. I feel ok now. S and L also reached out to me, asking if I wanted to play or talk which was very sweet. I love them all.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am not better for you. I should be reading or meditating, as I already didn't do it yesterday, but instead here I sit staying up late crying in bed. I'm too busy tomorrow where I only have one hour back at home to take you to get your birthday presents. I'm so sorry my baby. I love you more than anything else in this world, and this is how I treat you. It's always about me. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry Hash. I wish I was better to you. But I don't change. I hate myself for that. I try to believe that you're happy, because the alternative is too much for me to bear. It hurts so much to think about. What if you need more love from me. I wish you could tell me. How could I be a father if I can't even take care of you. I'm so sorry my baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. It hurts so much to think about. I'm so sorry about the thoughts I get. I'm sorry for the things that come out into my mind. It's not me I promise. I love you. I don't ever want you to die. I love you more than I love myself, you have to believe me. But not enough to be better to you. Unless I'm fully sure it won't hurt you I'll never consider it. What a fucking low bar. What a selfish low bar. I'm sorry I'm me.