I hit 225x3 paused today, and I was so happy. Or I guess I think I was, I'm not fully sure. One of the first things I did was text the group chat. I thought about why I want people to be excited with me for achievements, and I think it's probably because of all the achievements that were brushed aside growing up, and I guess still. I think about the ICPC and how no friends were excited for me and how my dad just said “good.” in a text.
When I graduated highschool my dad had a business trip, and he asked me if I wanted him to cancel it. I said several times to not, and I didn't care. I did. I guess I just wanted to hurt and show myself that no one cares. It's a stupid pattern I find myself doing over and over again. I don't really know a way out.
The only real goal I've ever set for myself is ending soon – some day in March is the deadline. I'm afraid no one else will care, and I want it meaning a lot to me to be the only part that matters, but I really wish I had people who were invested in me enough to be happy and excited on my behalf. I told myself I wouldn't consider suicide until I hit 1k, and to my credit I haven't. I don't plan on it either. Just thought it was something relevant in a way.
I asked someone this question recently, and they answered themselves. Because of that I decided to give up on them in a way.
I asked because we're lab partners for a class now, and it's a class they're very scared of. There's a lot of things in life where you can either be afraid and do it anyway, or you can avoid forever. I think this is one of those things, and inherently I want to help push this friend to see how they're capable of these things. But I've definitely realized you can lead a horse to the water but can't make it drink. I've done a lot for this person's sake, and they haven't capitalized on it. When I asked them the question, to me it was because I can keep trying to push them, and they might hate me for causing them stress. But also I think in a month or two if I don't push them they're going to spiral pretty bad because their insecurities are coming true. And even worse, in a few years they're going to struggle very hard in life, and I don't think they'll realize why. I don't want this stuff to happen to anyone, let alone a friend. But they don't want this right now. I don't think they have the foresight to recognize the danger they're putting themselves in. It's only going to get harder every time they reinforce this behavior. I'd help them if they wanted the help, but they don't.
I decided I'll let my future self suffer a little bit as I'll have to spend a lot more time on the class, but I can handle that. I just feel pity for what's going to happen to them. I tried.
In 7th grade my girlfriend told me that she was sexually assaulted by her close friend. I remember listening to her, and trying to comfort her. I did everything I could to make her more comfortable.
I used to also think of myself as an emotional punching bag, where I planned to just help as many people as I could and eventually just kill myself so the emotional burden goes with me. Obviously that was wrong, and parts of that have changed – but other parts haven't.
I find everything that hurts me is a byproduct of love. And I think that's an amazing thing. I'm glad I'm someone who loves freely. I think about that woman's last words “God, it was so fun. It was just so much fun.” One day this will all be over. And not just in death. One day in the future my lungs may not work the same, or I may be injured. And I won't be able to scream in the car like I do now. I don't want to miss it, I don't even necessarily want to enjoy it more. I just want to be glad I had all these experiences.
I think being unnecessarily nice is the key to life in a way. I'm almost crying thinking about the most mundane acts of strangers kindness. I will never forget the random man online who got some taxes back, and offered to buy me fraise on transformice. I never had met him before. I did nothing to deserve it. I'm crying in my car writing this right now. He expected really nothing. I don't think he had a good job, or a conventionally good life. But I think of that nameless person as a hero for me. I sat there staring at my screen as a kid thinking about how that was the only person who gave me a gift like that. That was unconditional love. He didn't even ask to friend me, he did it and was ready to leave. That's just love. I don't know if I can ever explain how much that person changed me. Something about a complete stranger doing something completely selfless. It's just love. It's love. It's love. It's all love. That $10 somehow made me feel like for every night I had sat alone crying, that there were people all around me who cared. I just never had met them. I don't think I've ever been alone since that moment, because I subconsciously knew people care no matter what.
I don't think anything could hurt without love being there first. Even in a vacuum, that pain is a beautiful thing. Seeing and remembering all of that pain isolated, and still being willing to do it again. That's a beauty more than the cosmos to me.
SB hacks ended, we lost by 0.03 of a std. We got unlucky with the judges we got. I just slept for the first time in a while. My heads pretty quiet, so the things I think aren't loud, but they're heard very clear.
I gave two chances again. Both were failed. I'm sad. More at myself for constantly putting effort and giving chances. How do I always find myself putting in more. I know what I want and what I expect but I can't advocate for it.
The more things I see the less I know. I don't even know what question I'd ask God.
I had a bad first half of my day today, and weirdly enough everything that happened was no reason to be sad. I hit 215x3 paused, which is way more than before and still felt upset because I thought I could do 4. I also saw a friend and felt some concerns rear their ugly head back. I also was weak on every single exercise. All of these problems are fully logical and nothing to be upset about.
I coped by doing calf raises, specifically 60,000lbs of them. I finally did 400x20! I also ran .7 mi, and I didn't have any pain this time.
When I had physical therapy they suggested to do calf raises, and I started at like 130. Near the middle of summer I hit 310 and was so happy I ran over to said friend to tell them. Today I only told Lilac. It's a shame, I even sent the proud message to other friends but deleted it soon after. I started off way behind and now I'm ahead, but to me I'm the same. Before I could share achievements and friends would be proud of me, but now I'm worried they think I'm showing off or bragging. It's no fair.
I wish someone would get hyped for me. I hope I can hit 1k within a year. That would be one of the biggest achievements of my life I think. I wonder if S would help me bake a pie if I can do it. I'm so grateful for them being supportive of me, but I'm afraid to say things I'm proud of for fear of them thinking I'm bragging. God I think I'm just being stupid. I cannot wait till they hit a plate.
I had an acquaintance see me at the gym and say that I inspire him to stick to the gym, and also how his gym friend gifted him a skin to make him go. He said he knew telling me I inspire him would motivate me more.
I weirdly hated hearing it. With this person I've given them so many opportunities and resources and they've consistently given up and chosen the easy way out. I realized how much I hate seeing people who dont do what they need to do. I guess the counterpoint is I love when I see people who want something bad enough. I guess I want that more in me also.
I sometimes feel like I yap on this blog just to hide the posts I have whenever I struggle with something or write things actually vulnerable. I feel pretty worried about all the random people I know in real life who may stumble across this. I don’t think that any random person I meet should care enough to consistently look at this – but I still do have the fear that some of the people I interact with a good amount on Discord with look at this. Oh well, I think I’ve only gotten good responses or neutral responses regarding this. I originally really expected a lot more harassment or jokes, but I am uncomfortably surprised that they never came. Oh well. I’m pretty tired from working for a while so I’m going to go to sleep. Goodnight me!
If I cried my dad would hit me until I stopped, while yelling at me to stop crying. My mom would watch in approval. I still can't cry around anyone. When I come close to crying I shut down. Even when I'm alone. If I come close to crying around someone, I turn into the kid being hit and it all goes quiet.
I feel self-loathing for several different reasons. I set up traps for other people, and when they inevitably don’t do things I use it to confirm the horrible things depression makes me believe.
I couldn’t help but remember as a child how it didn’t matter what I felt – at a relatively young age, I learned to bottle it up and permanently appease my Mom. I had no control, the only choice I had was to make her feel better at whatever cost to myself. Either that, or she didn’t talk, look, or touch anyone for months over singular small issues. One time my dad texted back “ok” in response to a text about there being a rain storm in San Diego since he was rushing to a meeting while in Asia. Because of that, she wouldn’t acknowledge that we existed for 6 months, even after he came back. We had nothing to do with it. She started ignoring us without us even knowing what happened. We had to borrow a phone to call our dad internationally to tell him we were freaking out because no one would take us home from school. They also policed us so much that we weren’t able to have friends over, go over to friends, hang out, or anything like that. So we were fully alone. We did nothing. I couldn’t intercept that problem and appease my mom there since it was a private text. That’s when it really solidified that if I did not sacrifice myself to be her emotional punching bag, no one else would. And we would all be in hell.
It’s so hard for me to advocate for myself. All it takes is a moment for me to remember my burden as a child. And it all comes rushing back.
It weirdly felt like spite, or anger as a result of a challenge. All I hear in my head is someone looking down on me, and all I see is a reason to prove myself. Give it a week, a month, or a year and you’ll be reminded why things are the way they are.