An Open Letter

I just realize how little changes. I still remember the bad things, and I also remember how A’s response was “we should stop arguing and bringing up past hurt”. I think I’ve hit the point of giving up finally for a bit now honestly. I don’t really respect them enough to go out of my way and put myself in harm’s way to try to have a proper conversation with them about anything that would be beneficial to talk about. The 5:1 rule has been long violated, and so at this point I’ve kinda emotionally detached myself so far that I wouldn’t even really consider them anything past a casual friend. I feel like there’s so much positive feedback today I just got, but I can’t help but focus on the parts that I’ve explicitly warned against, or the things that were never addressed. If nothing else, I feel like it’s just a good petri-dish to stir that resentment and frustration, just to make me want to go to the gym that much more lol.

After A left, I suddenly was able to play the solo to Maple Syrup so much better. I played night shift, plastic trees, and finally just kept playing the solo to maple syrup. There are so many other people and friends where I feel fulfilled and safe with, and I come back feeling happier. A was that at one point, but the constant shit dished out that I’ve had to just sit with has continued to poison that to the point of seemingly no repair. If nothing else I’ve learned how little I really want them at this point, and so they’re just a time-filler. It’s sad that someone I used to love so much has become this, but what can I do when they do horrible things and then continually lie to me about them. There’s only so many chances I can give them before I have to accept who they seem to be.