An Open Letter

Today I went to a bar with R and C (and L), and we just got one drink and talked for a while together. I learned more about them, and they learned more about me. I feel appreciated by them and included. I feel seen like a person y’know?

While driving back I felt a sense of fulfillment, like a part of me that had been missing had the edges softened. I felt a bit embarrassed saying it, but I think this may have been the first time I’ve gone to a bar like this with friends just to talk. I loved the experience so much, but at the same time I’m almost hiding this fact because it’s something that feels shameful – I don’t want people to think that I’m weird. I think it’s weird how my friendships throughout life and that whole model has been shaped around online relationships, mostly through Discord for various games. I’ve supported Discord for like 6 years now, and a big reason is because of how grateful I am for it. If it didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have had any way to socialize with people. I feel like it’s something of shame however, even though it was something I didn’t have any choice over. If I could, I’d have loved to hang out with friends. I’d love to go to sleepovers, to go get food with people, to do things like watch movies or god know what else people did. But instead, I got locked in my room and wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of school and tennis practice. I’m so thankful that people don’t understand what I mean when I tell them, because I think I’ve socialized myself online well enough that I’m able to mostly fake it, but there are so many moments where I slip through the cracks and I have no clue what social norms are, and how to act or what to expect. When I tell people that I wasn’t able to really have friends growing up, they just think of me as something other than what reality was. I flat out didn’t ever know how to talk to people outside of an academic setting. I didn’t know what was normal with people, I never got to learn normal body language patterns, eye contact, god forbid any kind of relationship shit. I didn’t get to learn how to connect with people in a private way since all of my interactions were in groups at school or at practice. I never got a chance to escalate any of my relationships, because how could I? If it wasn’t online, there was no way for me to escalate friendships. Think about how for most friendships it starts off as something out of proximity and surface level, but then someone mentions a plan and the other person says yes. Then that continues, then someone pushes the boundary of what’s acceptable to talk about. And it’s a whole snowball from there. Now imagine having to go through life except the answer to every single question is “no” whenever asked. No birthday parties, no hangouts, no staying after school, no getting food, no getting rides, nothing. No family friends either, no family in the same country or that I could even speak to. And so the only thing I could do is play games online when my parents didn’t see me. They didn’t even let us play online games, because they didn’t want us talking to strangers. I had to sneak and hide to do that all behind their backs. And that’s not easy with helicopter parents. It’s a miracle I am who I am today. It took so much effort and grit to become some image of “normal”. I still struggle with it at times, and that scares me. Today was something similar to that, I had no clue what it would be like hanging out with people going to a bar. And now it almost makes me want to cry for something as simple as just being able to do that and be included. And I have to give it up in two weeks to move away. I’m thankful I learned that this is something I can do, so that I am not fully in the dark next time, but still I wish I was able to do this more. I wish I was adopted by some extrovert or something.

I got a bit carried away venting. I’m thankful for the opportunity I got to have today, I hope I’m setting myself up for more good things in the future. Ahh I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.