An Open Letter

I remember this morning when waking up I was thinking about what to write today: I settled on the idea of hoping god gives you harder battles. I remember thinking that if you get the worst case scenarios for things that scare you, then you have nothing left to be afraid of. While I don’t fully disagree with it, I did somewhat mentally neglect how hard it can be.

I was in a call with a close friend, when he mentioned something about a comment he left on a video I uploaded. I had posted a video to TikTok of me playing a song I liked and softly singing along to it, and debated whether or not to make it public or not. I decided in the spirit of this blog to make it public, and to push myself out of my comfort zone. For context, I used to do choir for ~4(?) years, and had sang a LOT as a child, but ever since my voice changed I stopped singing as much. Recently I’ve been doing it more, and I’ve really enjoyed it but have been very self conscious about it. I want to push myself to cover songs I normally really like playing and singing and at least uploading them somewhere for myself, and so this was a baby step.

When I went to check the comment, it said “I would encourage you to continue because your voice is good but I would be lying”, and someone else had also liked the comment. I’m not going to lie, it really did crush me. I admit it wasn’t my greatest singing, but after being in an incredibly vulnerable place, and receiving no positive reinforcement, having a close friend say this devastated me.

I guess this was my “harder battle”, but I honestly don’t want to upload or continue playing/singing music, at least publicly. I think I will force myself at least one or two times more to continue, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like shit about it.