An Open Letter

One thing that has been kind of swirling around my mind finally solidified into words that I’m happy with. I think that E Absolutely did love me. I think she absolutely cared, and I think she also put in a lot of effort. I also do think that we are in very different stages of life in several different ways, and this is something where even if someone does have good intentions and they do put in effort, there is only a reasonable amount of impact that can have. At the end of the day, because I am at a different stage of life and I am a different person, I have different expectations and emotional needs. The same way that my pug is happy sleeping most of the day and only going on one walk, but a border collie would need more engagement and physical activity, I had different needs than what E did. She may have been fine in a relationship where presence were not super considerate or thought out, and where conflict and arguments are allowed to escalate heavily without the expectation of consciously putting down defensive behaviors. But to me I have come to accept and familiarize myself with these things, and it’s not something that I’m fine without, just because that’s not how I am as a person. Maybe she would have been fine if I did not remember or respect certain boundaries or things that she would mention, but for me I’m not OK with that. More in the sense that it’s something that started to grate on me and really impact me and buildup. And so because we have such fundamental differences there at the current moment, it just isn’t reasonable to expect someone can adjust that much. It’s like if I really wanted a sports car, and I bought a Prius. I could go and custom build a brand new chassis for it, and upgrade the engine, and upgrade the suspension, and upgrade every part of it, but at some point it’s just easier if I instead buy a sports car. There’s no need to try to force a person to be someone that they are not. I think you can absolutely try to help someone grow, and you can have that tolerance because no one will ever perfectly match you in those ways, and people will always of course make mistakes, but at the end of the day her and I are at fundamentally different points in our lives and even if we do love each other and care and are willing to put an effort, the gap is too large. That doesn’t mean that everything had a gap, but there were absolutely several gaps in important areas. And so it is for the best that we break up.

I think the big Takeaway from this is that I can love her, and she can love me, and still this gap can be past the point where it is worth it. This is even regardless of the bad things that she did, and the boundaries that she had crossed. Those only serve to further the decision that this relationship is not the best for me. But even in the absence of that, it is something I think to understand where everyone is going to be at a different point in this huge multidimensional embedding, and there is absolutely different levels of variance to how much love and effort can change things, and that is usually decided by the individual. And even if things are nice, if there are these big huge gaps in things that are core and fundamentally Bedrocks for relationships that are healthy and long lasting, even with adjusting for other things you might end up min maxing a flaw situation. If I’m trying to go support rengar , and it is not working I can of course study and really grind out different ways to optimize it, but if my goal is to win I can just swap two jungle and everything will be so much easier. The sunk cost fallacy is I think a good thing to remember in cases like this, where just because I have gotten ahead of myself and seen different point of progress and really committed to this thing, that doesn’t mean that it is the right decision to make. I do wish her the best, and I really do hope that she finds someone closer to her, and I hope that that person is someone that can maybe help ease some of that pain that comes from growing. And I also hope that I can find someone much closer to me, and I can build something truly wonderful on a firm bedrock.