Rolling
Today N Came over along with a few Other friends and we played Mario party, and for a little bit beforehand, we rolled around and I haven’t gone to do that for over a year now. I do miss jujitsu.
I was also thinking about how I feel like I don’t want to settle or compromise what I’m looking for in a relationship too much, and I don’t like the idea of actively dating in the sense of dropping my standards whenever it feels like the dating pool has ran out. And I kind of wanna apologize to younger me, and also the idea of potentially being married by 30, and I still think that there’s a pretty strong chance that happens, but I think it would probably be for the best if I stop actively chasing a relationship so much. Part of me wonders if I should look for casual sex or something like that, but I don’t really know if that is something for me or good. I feel like even if it’s hard to articulate, I have a mental image of the kind of person that I really get along with, and I would like to spend my life with. I honestly feel like a lot of that is just ADHD, because a lot of the traits that I’m looking for I have a lot of overly there. But I guess I’m kind of taking a little bit of a step back from the whole notion of active dating, especially with dating apps. I’ve gone through and looked at what it is readily available, and I have gone on at least one date out out of it. I’m also thankful that my issue is not getting rejected, but rather rejecting people, because as selfish as it is, I would like to believe that in a sense there isn’t something I need to change about myself to become more desirable, it’s rather a waiting game. But at the same time that means I kind of lose agency, which is scary. Part of me wonders if I need to get more attractive or more desirable with different ways and maybe that would preemptively solve the issues or somehow expand by dating pool to people that are more desirable. I guess it never hurts to improve myself.