An Open Letter

This is a little bit of a different post than usual I guess, mostly because I know that I kind of want to vent but I also think maybe I shouldn’t. Not because there’s anything wrong with venting, but maybe it’s a more value for me to try to just acknowledge and look at this thought for what it is. This topic was spurred on from several different things, but the most concrete example I have is thinking about a random relationship reel I saw about a girl having something go wrong in the kitchen and getting incredibly overwhelmed, and her partner stepped up and helped regulate her and take care of it. There was a relationship counselor talking about it, and a lot of the comments were praising his emotional intelligence and how supportive he was, and they pointed out how he started to try to solve the problem first by asking about what happened and then caught himself and started to emotionally listen first and support in that way. I think I’m good at this in the sense that I typically will emotionally reassure first, and it’s not a conscious thing. It’s an automatic incentive for me, and I am happy with that. But at the same time I felt a little bit of disgust towards her. And it’s not really towards her, but more towards the shutting down at something like that, and the partner being praised for emotionally regulating her in that instance. And no one was talking about how she should be able to regulate herself and handle situations like that without shutting down. And I understand that my frustration is not towards her, but rather towards the expectation that I have towards myself that I am supposed to be self-sufficient in those ways. It’s not OK for me to shut down in situations like that, because that relies on someone else to be able to take care of me in that situation, and let alone a relationship, it’s not like a person like that will always be there. And I wonder how you are supposed to survive like that, because what I have learned is you need to be able to take care of yourself. But at the same time I think about how no one was saying that stuff towards her. I think a separate topic to think about how it would’ve gone if it was a man in that situation, but I digress. I think a meaningful thing to recognize is I think the ability to trust and depend on someone else that is a pretty meaningful indicator of safety potentially. And I don’t know if I’m capable of that right now. It’s a terrifying thing too have some kind of a need or something like that where you rely on someone else, not in a like sigma male way, but rather I feel like that’s just a recipe for depending on a relationship which makes it a necessity rather than a choice. And I think that is a festering ground for unhealthy traits. But I can’t help but think about how maybe I should be able to let my guard down past what is natural sometimes. I think I’ve just put a lot of emphasis into being emotionally self-sufficient, with inclusion of my therapy of course. And then it kind of feels unfair, that I emotionally regulate someone else but it’s not something that they can necessarily provide to me. And it just feels unfair. And I hope things are equitable, but I struggle to think about things that I individually struggle with that I can realistically expect someone else to account for. And it sucks because I end up getting put in this situation where it feels like even if it is a net positive to my life, I might just be getting a bit of the short stick. And I think it’s hard to view it in this way, because it feels very much like suffering from success. And the issue with that is it’s not that I think I am so incredibly above “good”, but I’d rather think that a lot of people are not necessarily in a good spot in life. And so it benefits me to continue to improve myself in these ways, and I know that right now this is very much seeming like I’m saying I’m perfect or close to that, but I absolutely know that’s not at all true. If that was true, I wouldn’t be complaining so much. I also wouldn’t be benefiting as much as I do from therapy, which is an indication of the room that I have to grow. But I guess it’s just kind of scary, and I think dating apps are only going to exacerbate that which scares me, because I want to be happy. Shocker.