An Open Letter

I again stayed up really late today playing sober to death. I started recording some videos, and when I watched them back to listen to my voice to see if I was ashamed, I felt like I looked really good and muscular. And because of that I put on a shirt. I wanted to post a video of me with a good take on my close friends story, and I didn’t want it to be a thirst trap. What a weird thing that I am now conscious of. I used to feel uncomfortable with my shirt off because it just felt like inappropriate, but now I am worried about people admiring my body. And I worry about being attractive towards people that I am not trying to attract like friends. And it’s such a weird thing because it ends up looking the same way, I tried to hide my body and I am on edge looking around to make sure no one notices.

I wish I could sing in a way where I wasn’t ashamed of it. I can’t get out of my head the thought of a friend seeing it and thinking it’s cringe or bad. And it sucks because I found playing and singing or sad songs are a great way for me to express feelings, which is something I’ve always struggled with. And now there’s that same shame tied to it. And I think it’s because when I sing these songs and someone criticizes it or points out anything, it feels like they are giving me feedback to not share my feelings. But in reality, I know they’re just talking about the delivery. And the medium, I guess. But it feels like such a gut punch otherwise.