Seven
One of the things I regret saying was how we probably wouldn't have reason to talk after we broke up. I think the things that I had buried in myself mixed into the pool of her in my mind. Once I could step away and look at it for what it is, I realize the big painting instead of a big blob of color. For the next time I want to speak and tell my partner the things I would want them to do before it became a problem that folds into everything else.
I think I would ask a partner to check in on me, especially when I'm going through rough periods. In an ideal world I would be able to just ask for help and I'm working on that, but in the mean time I'd appreciate this help. I'd also want to figure out a way of communicating beforehand which works for us both instead of staying on our tracks until the tension snaps the rope between us. I should also tell more about my love language, because otherwise I just didn't hear it from her.
She is an amazing and kind person, but just in an orthogonal way to me for the most part. It's kind of funny how we are such similar people but with opposite environments growing up, and how that's changed us. I wonder if there's anyone that's not true for.
I also can't help but realize how I had never really asked her for support. I saw all of the conversations talking about how something had hurt me as a softer version of that, but they really are disjoint. I never tried to proactively just take her on a drive so I could talk. That may have been better than waiting for her to ask, but how can I expect her to if it's a dangerous thing to assume.
She asked me about asking about my day a long time ago, and I told her how I didn't like that because some days I did nothing and I felt like a loser. I didn't say it like that to her, but I just tried on that statement since I had seen it before. It didn't really fit but I never corrected that. That's on me. From her perspective that must be super confusing and I can't expect her to be a mind-reader. I only really stopped to clarify that once it was too late. I think we both kept this tension with similar things and expectations and never had a chance to clarify it.
I think we both have room to grow as people, I mean we are young. I always deny myself that fact, but this has shown me how immature I am and how many things are still left to learn. It's a rough overall process but to be alive is to err. To live is to grow.