Seventeen
Back to strangers – Rehash
I used this title scheme to somewhat track how long it took me it to stop processing this breakup. I guess this kind of marks some kind of a turning point because I'm not sure if this really applies to the breakup at all. But I still think that there's enough floating around my head that'll probably end up mentioning it. And so 17 it is.
I feel like I want to write about something sad, but nothing comes to mind. But weirdly that doesn't feel like it's a good thing. It doesn't feel bad either, I guess I'm just apathetic. I'm starting to reclaim a big sense of stability that I didn't have during that relationship. But it still does come with a sense of loss sometimes. I think more than anything else I'm sad that for like a better word they weren't a different person. Like I think about the whole uncertainty-bound of relationships that I have, and I'm kind of sad that this ended up being a low roll.
The painting that she made me for my birthday keeps falling off of the wall, and every few days I have to push it back into its adhesive. I remember how she started to cry when she told me that if I don't want it to give it back because she loves it so much and it would break her heart for it to be destroyed. Originally I felt that she was saying that because she put so much love into it, and that was love for me. But honestly now thinking about it, I more feel like it's love for the painting and the effort she put in, not necessarily for me. And it kind of does echo a sentiment that was eating me alive for a while. I didn't really feel like she loved me, but she rather loved I guess just the things that I was able to fill for her. But it wasn't me as a whole that she loved. She loved how I hugged her, and how I was there for her, but she didn't love the parts of me that didn't fit the things that she wanted. And so I ended up feeling kind of like a shell of a person. Almost like a hollow exterior with all of the substance gutted out.
But I am more than that. I am a combination of all the experiences I've gone through, and even though those might not be things that she was looking for, they are still who I am. I think I deserve to be loved. Yet I feel so entitled saying that. I don't know if I deserve anything. But I do think what I would want in a relationship is to feel loved, and not just for the value I provide.
There are plenty of great things from the relationship, and also lessons hidden behind a layer of thorns. I hope that things get better for her.