An Open Letter

When I was back at home after I had a difficult conversation with my mom, she hugged me at the end. Normally my body shuts down when she does this, but I took a risk and hugged her back. She held onto me so tightly. After it was too much for me to handle I let go of her and she still held me tightly. After some more time of that she finally let go and I walked away. I saw in my shirt there were tears.

There's a deep longing in me for the kind of love where someone selfishly loves you. I mean that in the sense of they love you in a way that's sustainable. Not because there's something I'm doing for them, but more of the kind of love that overpowers even my own wishes. Even after I couldn't handle it anymore, she kept holding me tightly. Maybe she was trying to make up for the times when she didn't. I wonder if it's hard for her the same way it is for me.

I always think about the romanticization of abuse, typically is something along the lines of “he hit me and it felt like a kiss”. I thought about the opposite today, and it scared me how it resonated.

It's almost ironic how I crave to be loved and seen, but the thought of it makes me want to push it away and run. I'm trying to think about why I feel this way, and I guess it's just because it doesn't feel right. I'm not sure if I believe that I deserve it. It just gutterally feels wrong. I feel like I'm always plagued by the dichotomy of wanting something, but also my inherent behavior of rejecting it.

I think my thoughts have dried up, All I can hear in my head is “I just want to be loved” sung by XYLØ.