An Open Letter

I feel scared with A because she’s been so great to me. She’s been super understanding, very empathetic, and kind, and she has been showing me a lot of love. For example, she offered to get me things to help me get over this cold and even spent $20 on a marked-up bottle of Dayquil without even mentioning it. She’s been incredible, and that weirdly scares me. I guess I’m trying out the common thought of “I don’t deserve this”. I feel like parts of this resonate with me. I’ve been very sick and tired since our sleepover, and so I’ve been somewhat depressed with no energy to do anything. I feel like I haven’t been me for the last few days and recently am starting to feel like myself again, but during this entire period I still feel like I am not providing enough value to her as a person, let alone a partner – and so I don’t deserve this amount of care or affection. I guess the logical reasoning is if she cared about me less then it would be more sustainable if I am providing her such little, but I know that the faulty assumption there is that everything is so black and white in terms of “value”. I also know that on top of it, she probably understands that I am sick and recovering right now, but I guess I’m afraid that this patience is on some timer. I feel bad for starting a relationship this way since I want to be a good partner. But also I think this is putting way too much unhealthy stress on me, since this stress doesn’t actually benefit me at all, but rather hurts me. I know that this is the overanalysis that I do ritualistically nightly, but I think there is a valid fear beneath it. I’m excited for therapy tomorrow to be able to talk about this a bit more and pry behind to see what this is.