An Open Letter

I still want her. But it’s really weird thing because it’s like delayed gratification, and it’s almost forces me to be way more intentional and careful in a way. I noticed that earlier today I got a priority text from her, and I hadn’t heard from her and I saw that it was fairly long and I felt complete dread seeing it. I felt like the hammer was finally going to fall and I was going to get some text about how she changed her mind and she cannot handle interacting with me because of how much she likes me or something like that. I put my phone away before reading it and I tried to focus on the activity at hand with my dad, and focused on doing some emotional regulation skills to remind myself that I am OK and it is a blessing if someone shows me who they are or what they are willing for. But when I finally looked at the messages they were sweet, not in a love bombing way, but rather acknowledging that yesterday was a unfortunate conversation but she appreciated the way that I handled it and wanted to respect any of my wishes for how I wanted to go forward. And it kind of makes me believe more that she is someone that could be consistently safe emotionally, or at least I hope she can. I also think that she very much has her own life and interests and I’m very grateful to be able to say that I have my own also. I’ve run into the issue of not having enough time on weekends nowadays. I’m not truly going to just sit here waiting for her, because I do want to accept the fact that maybe someone else does come along or maybe she is never ready, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t kind of counting down the days to some date that I don’t even know of.