An Open Letter

I went to a concert for slow degrade today and holy shit it was amazing. At one point during the set the crash cymbal broke, and after the show when I was talking with them they told me that I could keep it! I got it signed by all of them along with a cassette. I really love going to concerts and I think it’s such a nice intimate human thing to just be able to admire the beauty of all of the instruments and the effort and love that goes into playing music.

I also remember today when I was I think driving to work or driving home, I thought about what happened with E. I don’t think about her often nowadays if ever, but I remembered how I had this big project that I was responsible for that was due on Friday the day before Valentine’s Day, and also two days before Hash’s birthday. And on that Thursday was when she came to my house unannounced with three other people and broke up with me and refused to listen and went through my house taking stuff. That was also with her recording me against my knowledge, ambushing me and having her roommate ganging up on me and saying things about how I wanted to fuck with my house, steal things, and even steal my dog. We had to call her mom to get her to calm down and listen to reason and finally leave. I had to miss an important work meeting because they wouldn’t listen and also because there’s just no way that I could have that meeting while I’m crying and my dog is desperately trying to go and see her. This was something that a week later when we talked she apologized for and said that she had no clue how she could make it up to me. A big reason why she wanted to break up was because she felt like she kept fucking up and at least from my point of view that’s such a fucking shitty situation to be in, where she is upset and feels horrible about all of the shitty things that she consistently did throughout the relationship, and how I didn’t do things like that to her. And because of that she does something exceptionally shitty. I felt so unsafe for so long, and even now I feel kind of unsafe thinking about how powerless I was and how I was ganged up on in my own house. But it’s also insane with how that sabotage to my work and I think that’s a line that is not OK to cross especially because she was like going through a mental episode or something where she just couldn’t control herself. These were all things that she apologized sweetly for after we took a week long break, but it only took two days for the cracks to show where she didn’t regret that I was recorded crying and vulnerable without me knowing. And that’s just not at all fair to me. And I am grateful that I eventually learned my lesson and stopped giving more chances and broke up. One of my coworkers and friends let me know that he had broken up on good terms with his partner of 10 years. They lived down the street from me in a house together, and he said that they were both moving out and they were going to rent it. And I’m glad that it was on good terms but I also think that is so incredibly devastating to break up after 10 years. I’m really grateful that my relationship only lasted five months and that it didn’t go on longer because we might’ve gotten married, and might’ve even had kids at some point. And I don’t know if I would be able to really forgive myself if I had kids and by then she hadn’t changed and was emotionally unstable around children, because that is irresponsible of me to put a kid into that situation in the first place. And I think also the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship for a long time is assigned that there are also stuff that I need to mature about and learn. And I would like to think that I at least learned my lesson from this relationship, and hopefully this is the last one of the big growing pain lessons, at least in the sense of something that needs action or change. But I do digress, the thing I wanted to kind of journal about and get on writing was explicitly how what happened was not OK and it was not fair to me. Those things are never OK, and I’m really sorry that that happened. But at the same time I needed that to happen because otherwise I would not have left. And it is a much worse situation if I stay because it does not hit that point of nuclear, where I have to leave. I would never do something like that to a partner, and so I should not just accept the fact that a partner would do that to me.