An Open Letter

Hey me, I want to keep journaling so here’s today’s entry:

Today I pushed myself pretty damn hard, and as a result, got an insane endorphin rush. I was singing along to music, shaking my head, the whole 9-yards in the gym, and on the ride back home I was dancing the whole way. Music felt really nice again.

While waiting for the shower to heat up, I was also looking at my body, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I have over time seen myself slowly find my body more and more attractive, and I’m very happy with the body I have now. I know it’s vain, but I was thinking about how I wanted to get a girlfriend so I could show someone my body, as there’s no real other way to show the progress I’ve made to someone else. Oh well, even without that I’m proud of myself!

One small thing I realized today was I have a bad habit of being too emotionally healthy at times, for lack of a better way to say it. I thought about how my friend would mention self-deprecating comments, and how my first instinct is to try to contest that negative thought and I would immediately say “No I think you’re …”. I would do this to try to be supportive and to try to avoid that person reinforcing bad thoughts, but I realize how this might get exhausting to be on the receiving end. It’s one thing if this is something a person mentions they would want assurance for, but if it’s unsolicited then maybe I should just not comment on it, or at least figure out on a per-person basis what they would prefer.

I guess tangentially related, one thing I’ve had to practice is letting people make mistakes and hurt themselves. A friend and I were both in similar boats of struggling to apply to internships and I saw myself in them. Because of that, I wanted to go extremely out of my way to try to help them, in the whole savior-complex way of trying to retroactively help myself. Either way, this person didn’t really want the help it seemed, and eventually it culminated in us deciding that I would give up on them. Recently, they asked to do it again, since they did not do anything and could use the help of being accountable. I told them that I was more than happy to, but I wouldn’t be going out of my way to try to keep them accountable, I told them this time it’s their job to do it not mine.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frustrated or upset with them about it. The only thing I’m upset about is how they aren’t driven about it. I would kill to have a friend who would keep me accountable like I was doing, and they kinda just disregarded all of that. Now that they asked to stay accountable and I told them it was up to them to put in the initiative, they have done nothing. I again have sent unprompted messages about it or given reminders, and they haven’t done anything. I feel almost disgusted, and it’s because I see myself in them and I hate that part about me. I find it weird because I actually feel upset and dislike this about people, but that’s only because I think of myself – and I don’t have any issues with being upset with myself I guess.

Situation: I need to apply to more internships

Thoughts: For some reason, it is a scary thing. I don’t want to think about it, as then I can just act like it isn’t real.

Feelings: I feel a hidden anxiety, and I try to stay in denial about it which doesn’t help it.

Behavior: I don’t do anything to stop this anxiety, and I also set future me up for failure.

Thoughts: There is nothing to be afraid of now, I can always just take one day and treat it like a game – I can set a PR for how many internships I can apply for in one day.

Feelings: I don’t feel as scared, and it still is a task I don’t want to do but this is better for me.

Behavior: I end up applying to more internships and having less anxiety overall.

I might make a pool of $80 (the money in my Venmo), and send all of it to the friend – and tell them for every internship I apply to send me back that fraction of money. God this shit is scary isn’t it, proud of you for staying strong. Stick to your daily ritual of stuff, love you Anshuman ♥