An Open Letter

I grew up always compared to my sister. My parents did it enough that the times when they didn’t, I did it for them. They always had the awareness to not say it for the big things, like not getting top 20 in high school, or getting into Berkeley, or not getting varsity tennis. But I compared myself for them, just the way they taught me. I will never be able not to believe that failure, because they never said it. I did, just like how I learned.

The only thing my father acknowledged was my successes. But whatever I did was never enough for him to be happy with me. I got perfect scores in courses, took on obscene workloads, and won competitions, none of it mattered. All I ever got was “good job.” in a monotone voice. No eye contact either. It felt like it was always some consolation prize. It didn’t matter what I did, what I won, what I worked hard for. It was always a monotone statement said as an obligation.

Today hurt me a lot, because of those prior scars. But whenever I play with my friends, it doesn’t really matter what I do but it’s the same. Other than S, they don’t cheer for me when I do well, or even say anything if I am happy for myself. Today I had some of the best games of my life, my aim isn’t great so playing Cassidy was out of the norm – but I was doing INCREDIBLY well, hitting some of the best shots of my life. In one game I had more damage than the other DPS and tank combined, and even when I said I was doing the best I’ve ever done, silence. Not a single person was happy for me. But these people are also the ones to instantly jump at whenever I make a mistake. Without fail. The same condescending tone, like they’ve been waiting for me to fuck up. It destroys me slowly from the inside, only your mistakes pointed out and never anything else. They usually also shit on me when I’m happy for myself and say something. I could hit a full team shatter, get play of the game, and either complete silence or “eh, I would have done better”, or some other comment just to steal my joy.

I feel like it’s the same thing as my dad. Nothing I can do is good enough, but whenever I make a mistake they will never forget that. I hate sharing achievements because no one is ever fucking happy for me. I carefully guard the things I care about because I won’t get any empathy if I say them.

Rant over, I just wanted to get this out somehow. I’m sad because things won’t change with these friends, but I’d rather be strong enough to be fine with friends putting me down. I will say I do wish I had more friends to play with that felt like teammates, not enemies sometimes. I wish they noticed how often I consciously try to gas them up or hype them up. I just wish I had the same back.