An Open Letter

Hey! I find it funny I am apologizing to the void – this journal is meant to be a personal thing put on display, but I find it hard to write without the context of someone reading it.

I think I’ve written about this recently, but I’ve started to get more female attention. I didn’t do CBT for the last two nights, but that’s been because I’ve gotten home late (and under the influence) from going out with friends to parties – so hey at least that’s pretty admirable for me! Last night while outside of a party figuring out what we were doing, a drunk girl stumbling out grabbed my bicep, felt it up, and went “Woahh” before her friends took her away. I’d like to imagine that she liked the way my arms looked, but I inherently think she was just drunk and grabbing someone’s arm. At the same time, the girl from my martial arts class who seems like she is flirting with me (all the friends I’ve asked have said it’s obvious) today ended up pushing her butt into me pretty intimately and again was very friendly to me. Again all my friends say it’s obvious, but I find my mind convincing me that it was just an accident, or that she just feels comfortable around me in a platonic way.

It’s a really strange thing – I’m so convinced that I could not be desired, and every piece of evidence that goes against that somehow gets turned around into some way of confirming that thought.

When I was in high school, I had a pretty big crush on one of my closest friends. She explicitly said unprompted something along the lines of “I would throw up if we were together” etc. Another time, the girl I had a crush on was someone I had been friends with since 2nd grade. One day at lunch she was talking about her crush, and unprompted said I was a 2/10. It hurt way worse because I had a big crush on her, and to hear that out of the blue did some damage. My parents used to mid conversation stop listening to me, stare at my skin, and tell me how people would find me sickly and not want to touch me. I have eczema. I still have some discoloration on my skin, and sometimes it gets worse – and I’m terrified of someone looking at it. The only people who have pointed it out have been my parents, who told me how people wouldn’t want to look at me. God that was cruel. I still don’t look at them when I talk to them, I try to hide my face.

I don’t want to hold a pity party for myself, but I guess I want to just tell someone this – even if it’s just writing it down for no one. I feel bad that the people around me have to constantly hear me not accept evidence that people could want me, but I wish I could somehow explain why it’s so hard. I think it’s rough, especially since almost all of my closest friends are women – and I think it’s a drastically different experience (not better or worse, just different). I think a big reason I got SA’ed as a kid was because of how much I wanted someone to lust over me. I was willing to do anything to feel like someone would want me. A part of that kid is still present in everything I do I feel like.

In the shower while I was thinking about this, I for some reason pictured a younger me trying to hold it together while about to cry. I wish there was some way to retroactively change what happened. I guess I can somewhat do that, through stuff like CBT, can’t I? God I just want to be loved – isn’t that a pathetic thing to say lol

Situation: Angela told me Nick was like a 7/10, then turned me and said I was a 2/10 – then continued talking about something else.

Thoughts: I’m a 2/10, coming from someone who has known me for over half a decade.

Feelings: I feel like I got slammed in the stomach. I feel like if someone this close to me finds me this disgusting, all the things I’ve heard have been true.

Behavior: I never can accept anything good about me, because I believe that so intrinsically. I handicap myself in life.

Thoughts: Maybe she was making a bad joke? I’ve never actually thought about that. I was so ready to accept that, and I never considered maybe she didn’t mean that. She could have been making a joke that didn’t land at all (obviously).

Feelings: I feel sad, but more because of how long I’ve held this over my heart. I don’t think I needed to do that. I’m sorry to myself for hurting over this so much. I feel a bit better, and I feel like maybe people could want me.

Behavior: I can start to accept all the positive experiences I’ve had.

I think people do find me attractive now. Maybe they even did back then, but that’s a different question. Let’s take this in baby steps and try to accept it right now. God, how am I supposed to do this without comparing? Man, this shit is hard. But oh, it’s so worth it. Love you Suman ♥