An Open Letter

There are still waves that come in different avenues. I don’t wanna risk nostalgia, but it’s strange how she was such a core part of my life for five months. That’s almost all of the time I’ve been in San Diego. That’s also the most I’ve loved someone and how close I’ve gotten with someone. I still remember our first date. A part of me felt super inexperienced, and like I was figuring out dating with her. I told myself a lot that we are both young and we are still learning, and I would use that as an excuse for a lot of of the shortcoming she had. I would use that as an excuse for a lot of the bad things that she would do.

I think there’s a good chance that she gets into some other relationship or into some situationship. And that hurts because I still care about her and it feels too soon. But also maybe she’s not, who knows. But one thought that would pop into my head was that maybe if she was to get into another relationship it would mean how little I mattered to her. But my therapist rebuked that by saying how if she was get into a relationship quickly, it would be because I mattered so much that when our relationship ended there was so much of a hole in her life that she needs to fill it with something or someone else. And I know that she does have that track record of constantly being in relationships. And I also do think that us breaking up must have devastated her. So if she does get into some other type of relationship, it’s not a reflection on me, and it does suck to think about but it’s her life and her mistakes to make. My therapist also said in response to me mentioning how a part of me felt like I now understood the problem and I could fix it, how she would have told me or encouraged me to do that if I wanted to and if she thought it was healthy. But ultimately my therapist does think that she was not a good partner for me, and that it is for the best that we are not together. I do think about the fact that one of our early dates was at an Olive Garden, and she broke down crying because her last Situationship ended at an Olive Garden just a few weeks prior. The fact that she got dumped and almost immediately jumped into a relationship with me, and her response to that was to be super violently open and look to commit early as a response to the last person being uncomfortable with her history should have been a big red flag, and a lesson for me now. I think she swings the needle very aggressively, and does not take time to process things or to learn from them, because life is just too terrifying to give her enough space to actually sit with those feelings without it crushing her. And so all I can do is hope for the best for her, but it doesn’t and it shouldn’t matter to me anymore. I am very grateful that I got her into the gym, and also into therapy. I think both of those things will be very healthy things for her life.

One of the big things that I miss and that I am afraid of losing is the healthy sex life that we had built up. I felt like we really clicked with each other very well, and maybe if that was something that was unhealthy it wouldn’t possibly happen again, meaning that was the best I would ever have. But I don’t think that I fully adopted her as a person, but I still was open-minded and I indulged a lot of her asks and fantasies. And similarly, she was open-minded and cared about me and as a result we grew to know each other very well and that was I think what led to the sex life that we had. And I think nothing stops that from happening again, because if I think about the things that I miss the most, those were not present at the start. Those were things that were learned overtime, meaning if I have another partner who is also interested in understanding the things that I like, nothing really stops that. Like of course there will be things here and there that will differ because people are different, but it’s not like I will never feel indulged again. And I think it will be a really beautiful thing in the future when I can have a partner that will match with me in certain ways of compatibility, care about me and reciprocate in all of the lovely ways that I have built myself to be able to do.