An Open Letter

I’m kind of overheating a little bit and I think it’s a little bit funny because A was Surprised that I was A Sagittarius, mentioning that a lot of the traits of being the life of the party, funny all that stuff, but surprised for the sole reason that I don’t have an ego to her. And I think it’s so funny because I absolutely have an ego, I think it’s one of those things where I can keep it to myself, and I’m secure enough with it where it doesn’t need to be pushed down anyone’s throat, I just have a pretty good view of myself in certain lenses. Afterwards we were talking and she was telling our group how she wants to match make us, and she was talking about all these different things that men should due to improve their chances, and the other guys, I was surprised how clueless they were with several things. She even used me as an example and was saying that they should take notes, but also it won’t work for them because they’re not me and they don’t have that dog in them like I do. I remember she was telling this one guy at the beginning that she was going to find him someone because even though he was afraid of women and a bit older, and not as attractive, he was a homeowner. And I held back from mentioning that I am also, and don’t get me wrong. I absolutely understand that this is something that I would not be able to do without the privilege of my dad‘s financial support. But I also kind of do want to acknowledge the fact that it is privileged, but it is privileged that I have., Am I still didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to boast or flex, but it kind of just makes me feel even more like damn I am that guy. I remember I saw an Instagram reel earlier today about something about clavicle length, and I am very fortunate with my genetics. I saw my doctor today and he asked if I was on steroids, and I think that he is being nice, but at the same time there’s a reason that complement lands. I think I have an incredible amount of potential, and I’m very grateful that I’ve done a lot of the work and I’ve gone through a dark enough place that it required me to realize and recognize that potential in actuality. And it’s something that I’ve kind of thought about a little bit where when some of my friends asked me for advice with things or they ask me about how they can have more success in certain endeavors, sometimes they’re just is that somewhat insurmountable gap of just the cards that we are dealt. And I’m not saying that I have the perfect hand or anything like that, and I use the fact that I tried to kill myself a few times, and I still struggle with that as an indication that even though I have all these amazing things, I am sometimes more than I would like to willing to throw it away, and if someone else is not willing to do that, I think that somewhat of a telling comparison, that they would choose to keep living that life instead of just ending it. But that all being said, I feel like for a lack of the brighter word, it’s a brutal mog. Like what am I supposed to say when one of my friends that isn’t doing well in college for a worst major is asking me about career success. And frankly, it’s a mixture of genetics, the environment I was raised in, and everything that I sacrificed to contribute to my intelligence and my success, and so when someone asks me how to be more smooth or how to be better at flirting, how am I supposed to just tell someone to in essence to me what feels like be smarter. Like if someone is asking about how to be funnier or more charismatic and yes, you can work on these things absolutely and I think there isn’t enough of a reason to feel discouraged, it’s one of those things where it’s like if someone ask me hey how am I supposed to lift this heavy amount of weight and it’s a mixture of the cards that I’m dealt and also the work that I put in. And I think it’s one of those things where I have almost slingshotted in life going from being incredibly behind in a lot, if not all different avenues, other than maybe academic success, to having to really put the pedal to the floor and end up surpassing most of my peers. And of course, I’m now surrounded with new peers, but I find that I still am used as an example or a subject of envy or a goal or gold standard to strive for. I remember one of my friends in college kept saying that she was going to beat me on a test at least once or he was going to do something like that and he never did. And I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. And it’s not at all the case that I’m the best of everything, and I actually really enjoy the things that I’m not the best at because I’ve dealt with the issues of other people comparing themselves to me and holding that resentment and that’s not something that I can necessarily deal with nor is it my responsibility to deal with. Like I remember in college when we would all be in a class together, and I would set the curve on a test and my friends would not be happy. And if they would get excited when they would get a question right that I didn’t while we were cheating and working together on test during Covid, all for me to then point out that they were actually wrong and I was right. I think about how online my friends are sometimes a little bit insecure about the fact that I am better than them at the games and much higher ranked. And because of that, I need to be careful and it’s not honestly that hard, it’s not like I need my ego to be stroked and it’s not like I need them to acknowledge that either and I’m happy letting them shine and not taking up spotlight. But in a lot of different avenues, I find myself near the top and I find myself worrying that friends or people around me will compare themselves to me. And so I really like things that I am not great at, like for example Chess. I’m rated 1000 which is not a horrible, but it’s also definitely not exceptional or great by any means. And because of that at the chest club, most people are better than me, and it’s a little bit difficult in the sense that sometimes when I win or when I make them have to really focus. They are in a situation where they kind of have nothing to gain, but they have a lot to lose. But I think generally I am a good loser in that sense. I am completely comfortable, losing and somewhat stroking someone else’s ego if necessary. But overall in life, I kind of feel bad because there’s nothing I can’t do but just mog certain people. Like on paper, I think a lot of people would wish to swap lives with me and I can’t really say that I’ve met anyone where I felt like I would want to swap lives with them, because I have an incredible amount of potential and I think I have an incredible amount of gifts that are not at all common. And I guess maybe this somewhat egotistical self reflection is an exercising gratitude. I think about that one conversation topic of if you were to swap problems with a random person in the world, would you and I think almost everyone says no. And I think that’s a very insightful thing, that even though we have our problems, we recognize that they could be way worse at the end of the day our problems are not insurmountable. And I guess I’m happy to hear that I have this sense of self value, and I don’t feel like this is the needle swinging too far the other side from the past where I had a horrible sense of self-esteem, and I also got a lot of shit from people. I’m kind of comfortable with me having this echo because I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable or incorrect about anything that I say, but more importantly, I’m writing this on my fucking website that I hope no one really reads. Like I think I’m comfortable with people reading this distant in the future or something like that because by then I have plausible deniability to be able to say oh that was past me. But I’m essentially just saying this into the void and so I’m not putting anyone else down or I’m not trying to convince anyone else of something. I’m just kind of worried dumping while I drive back home from chest with voice to text. But overall, I just wanna say that I’m really proud of the person that you’ve become. If the choice arises again choose to keep living please. Don’t let a temporary lack of chemicals, rob you of an incredible life opportunity.