An Open Letter

I'm thankful that something is familiar to me. This comfort got me through childhood and for that I am grateful. But it doesn't serve me now and so I will bid my farewell to it.

That was just a somewhat pretentious way of saying I'm making a choice to not be sad anymore. It sounds really weird to say it like that, because I want to somehow give some kind of asterisk saying how it's not always just a choice, but it is more often than I think. The thing that really woke me up to this again is watching a video I had saved about the law of attraction. Whatever I think about and whatever I focus on will come. And it kind of made a lot of sense when I thought about today, and how I was finding all these different reasons to beat myself up and feel unloved. I have L asking to play games, and also T. And also J. But I wanted to focus on the fact that S didn't ask me to play. And that hit me hard enough along with the rest of the things today that I actually went and cried. I was playing a game of cs with T, and I remember I was doing really bad at the start of the game and they insulted someone else telling them that they needed to get more kills, while they had way more than I did and I was struggling. That one hurt, but it didn't need to hurt as much as I let it. I guess I kind of invited that hurt because that's just how I felt, I was hurting and I wanted something to justify it I guess. I wasn't hurting because of that comment, but because I'm coming out of a depressive episode. But that was really the issue, I'm at least glad that I can see where to point my pain. I remember I also got way more jealous than I expected or that I wanted to when I heard T changing her picture to one that I know she liked of herself, and being friendly with other people online. I really didn't expect to feel this way and so I wanted to look into that more in myself. I think I felt jealousy and this insecurity because it felt like being replaced I guess. I remember I was already feeling kind of distant because I wasn't feeling good and that's partially on me, maybe I could have spoken out a little bit more. But I already felt disconnected, and a little bit alone – and then hearing them talk about how someone on the opponent team friended them and trying to message them during the game, I guess that made me feel like I was ready to be discarded. But that's not the case, I absolutely know that I am a very close and valuable person to T, and I'm not just some toy to be thrown to the side. I think when I can unmask this issue, I can let it rest a little bit more easily. I know that it's not that I'm being replaced, but it's just that right now I'm suffering from that absence in my heart and it's just something that pushed on it a little bit. Nothing more malicious than that.

I guess another thing that I feel like I've been really fixating on is how none of my friends have been validating me in the way that I would hope. I have to stop myself immediately, because I know that J and M absolutely gas me up the way that I really appreciate. I think rather than focusing on the negative I should rather focus on the positive. I am really grateful for the ways they build me up. I'm also very grateful for the way that L asks me to play. I'm also very grateful for how T and S send me videos frequently.

I want to choose to be happy again, and I will.