An Open Letter

I really like this quote, and I looked it up a little bit more and it’s from an old fable. A fox tries to get some grapes from a tree, but there Are some grapes that the fox cannot reach. The fox then gives up and says that they didn’t even want the grapes because those were probably sour anyway. I first saw the quote written next to “the love I cannot taste must be hate”.

I went with M to a rave on Friday, and afterwards while leaving we made some friends with some random girls that liked my costume. Since I was sober and they needed a ride after we had been talking for a bit I offered to drop them off at their place since it was along the route to our homes, and they agreed. We ended up just chilling at their place for like another hour or so, and then eventually left after exchanging numbers/Instagrams. M mentioned that it was her birthday soon and one of the girls said they would throw her a birthday party, and apparently really meant it. It looks like they stayed in contact and were very friendly with M, and even though that night they were friendly with me, afterwards they barely responded to any texts of mine. It’s not even like I sent much at all, I just said some formality and also restated my interest in something they said they wanted us to join for.

I brought this up in therapy because I realized how I felt bitter about this, and how I didn’t like that I was feeling that way. I ended up solidifying my feelings into the fact that I felt like M got actively accepted and included, while I had to put an effort and basically interview, and then be ignored. It felt pretty shitty that during that night we were all getting along super well, and they were really friendly with me, and then the next day onwards they just ignore me while they include M. I know that being a woman is incredibly difficult compared to being a man overall, but one of the nice things about being a woman is the sense of community. That was something I never really had growing up because of my upbringing and so it’s something that I really long for, and it does hurt to see my friends get accepted while I end up just feeling used. I think about how with E and J, how they behaved super friendly and polite to me only when I have something of value to them, or at least that’s what it feels like. They were super friendly because I was the one organizing an event, and once they got in, they stopped interacting with me or being friendly the same way they were before. One of the shitty things about being a man is the emphasis on value over just being intrinsically lovable. And again I feel like I have to restate that I’m not saying women have it better, just different problems. And I don’t think it detracts from them to be able to speak about ones that I face. God it’s stupid how I feel like I have to clarify so much about my intentions on my own journal that isn’t even meant for people to really read. But yeah, I feel like a lot of times women aren’t exploited for value the same way men are in friendships. Most of my friends have been women, and that’s most of the people that I surround myself with, but I have never once seen a woman that has only been included because they provide some kind of value that if they would stop doing would stop being included. I think about the last cruise I went on, and how there was this one person that kept getting taken advantage of, and it felt like that was the only reason why he was included by the others, like he would buy them drinks when the girls would ask, and would even buy drinks for the under aged girl that the other girls were friends with. It made me feel horrible for him, and this isn’t the only time I’ve seen this. I’ve seen a lot of my female friends, especially the pretty ones that comfortably manipulate men and almost dehumanize them, like they don’t care about hurting them or doing shitty things to them, because they just don’t provide value otherwise. There’s a lot of mental gymnastics that goes into it and I usually don’t like to hang around those kind of people as friends regardless. But I feel like this is something that illustrates this thing that affects me also. It’s hard to feel like you’re accepted or that you can trust people that are being friendly, when you’re not sure if they’re friends with you just because you provide value. Like I want to be able to help my friends and I like helping people when I can, but maybe these people were only being friendly to me because I had a car and I offered them a ride. Maybe they were only being friendly to me in the moment because I had a funny costume and I was something to laugh at. I think a similar thing for women would probably be looks, I could fully understand a woman telling me they have felt similar things, on how they fear that their value is tied to their attractiveness. And for a lot of cases that’s true, I think there’s very clear extreme versions of this with things like models, movie stars, cheerleaders, ring girls ETC. I think it’s something that’s flaunted in your face a lot as a woman, on how there is an emphasis on you being beautiful and that is your value, and I don’t think I need to really say this explicitly but that also fucking sucks. I guess for men other similar things would be having money, being successful, and of course looks also to a lesser extent. I’m kind of thankful that I’m on this side of the fence for this problem, where I’m successful and I think pretty attractive now, but I then run into the issue that I used to think about, of where I now no longer know if people are friends with me because I have money or something else I can offer them. Like with the group chat of people from dance, I feel like those people would not really be friendly to me if I didn’t have some kind of cornerstone role of organizer. I don’t think J or E would be nearly as friendly at face value to me if I wasn’t someone who is actively organizing events and things like that. And I don’t think that’s like necessarily fully wrong, like it’s not like I’m expecting someone to like me or want to be around me for no reason at all. But when I think about S, or L, or T, yes I spend money on them here and then, yes I helped them out whenever I can, yes I provide value to them. But if I didn’t do those things I’m confident they would still be my friends. My friendship with them is not contingent on the value I provide through these transactional things, but rather it’s because I’m me. It sucks because it’s really hard to make friends with people that I don’t think have the best intentions, because right now they’re being very friendly to me whenever I have something that they want, and I don’t know how they’re going to treat me when I no longer have something they want. I don’t want to be that person that gets to taste inclusion only when they can be used, and then discarded otherwise. I know I’m a man, but the person that I think I am is defined by so many other things first. I think I have a great sense of humor, and an incredibly large laugh that I utilize often. I think I’m also kind, or at least I try to be. I like to try new things, and I enjoy doing things that I’m bad at because I’ve had too many things that I’ve been better than my friends at that has caused pain for them, and I would rather my ego get hurt than theirs. I love animals, especially dogs. I always think about a study I saw about half blinks, and every time I meet a new dog no matter how friendly they are, I like to turn my body to the side and let them sniff the back of my hand, and then I half blink to try to make the dog feel more comfortable. I take a lot of pride in the fact that dogs that are scared of men usually are not scared of me, because I feel like that’s something that absolves me from a lot of misandry I grew up with. I’m an incredibly open person, to a fault — see this blog for an example. I think I give good advice, and I’m a very good listener and I like to be there for my friends, or really anyone I can help. I still think about the first time someone gifted me something and did not expect anything in return, and every year I try to do that since then. I really like playing with kids, because I find if you treat them like you’re equal they respect you back and you get to learn a lot just about the world. I struggled a lot with depression, and so I try to fill myself up with as much energy as possible to keep myself from slipping down. I started working out as a last ditch attempt because medication had stopped working, and my grandma had killed herself over the same issue. I ended up falling in love with it, and it absolutely saved me. I’d like to believe that even if I didn’t get stronger or look better, I would still love the gym. For my 17th birthday I asked my parents for something for the first time, and it was for my dad to let me sit in the car in the beach parking lot by myself for like an hour. For the first time I got to play music out loud without the overwhelming fear of getting punished for making too much sound. It’s always been my happy place inside a car, because that’s where ironically I’m the most safe, I’m free from judgment or perception and I can listen to music and behave however I want. I saves up for five years to buy a fast car, and now I feel guilty whenever people notice because I don’t want them to feel bad, so I downplay it. One of my friend’s mom said that I don’t seem like the kind of person who speeds, and I took that like a badge of pride. I like the feeling of being underestimated because I feel like that means that I have more value than what people think of me at first, and because of that I can be loved. I am so much more than the value I can provide, and I hope I surround myself with people that make me feel like that.