An Open Letter

Sometimes I feel like I see myself in people that I wouldn't say that I want to. For example I remember the character Clarissa Mao. At the time she was a horrible person, and an absolute monster, but sometimes she said stuff that made me feel like I was seen for the first time. Like someone else understood what I was going through. Spoiler alert, people can have their redemption.

Is because I just finished talking with R about the situation with A. There is a lot of nice stuff from talking with her, but there were two things that stuck to me now. One was how she used to be somewhat similar, and it helped so much to see that someone that I respect and I trust used to be someone that did such bad things. Another was how she thought I should be more angry.

The things that A did hurt me a lot, and those scars will stick with me for a long time, even if they aren't bleeding they'll be there. But at the same time, I'm pretty confident that she did those things not to try to hurt me, but rather because she is struggling with her own problems. And how can I blame her – it would be hypocritical. I remember in high school I was a mess emotionally, and I didn't have any real support or coping mechanisms. And so for me that manifested in being super clingy, and probably not a great person to be around. It's really hard to change that when you are kind of fighting for your life by yourself. I know that A has a lot of conflict and problems right now that they are facing, and I really hope that they get better for her. I think she meant it every time she told me how much she loves me, and R agreed. But at the same time she is troubled and I get caught in the crossfire. I absolutely wish the best for her, and I'm happy that I was vulnerable enough to get hurt. But also I need to protect myself and let good things come in. I'll probably be angry again at some point, and I'll probably be sad again at some point, but right now at least I'm enough to feel like I can forgive her, without forgetting what happened. I really hope she can reach a point where she can grow and change as a person for the better, the same way R was saying she did. I feel like I've said the same thing over and over again, but I guess I just want it to sink in. In I love her, but in the sense that I want the best for her without it involving me.

The other thing R talked about was how I should be more angry, or have more hate in my heart. That's not exactly what she said if I'm being fair, but it fits my narrative a little bit better if that's how I retell it and so I will lol. I'm both happy that I'm hurt so much by her, and I'm happy how I don't hate her or really blame her.

I'm happy that it hurts so bad, because that means that I was vulnerable and I trusted her – if you give me the choice between not hurting and being depressed like this and not trusting women like some friends I know, or the option to suffer but leave myself open vulnerable to connection, I'm glad that I chose the latter. It hurts like hell, and it still will for a while because of how much I love her. But I'm thankful that I was able to trust her and be that vulnerable with someone and I hope that I can continue to do that. I am strong enough to endure this pain, as many times as it takes.

I'm also really happy that I don't hate her, because I'd rather accept the fact that sometimes you can get betrayed from people you love and that love you, rather than hate them to point the feeling somewhere else. I'm happy that I am who I am. It took a lot of violence to be this gentle, and that's something I don't want to lose. I hope I continue to go through life with compassion wherever I can. I think being alive in the world is already hard enough, I'd like to hope that I can make it a little bit softer around the edges where I can.