An Open Letter

I was hoping it was some kind of weird fluke but consistently T is online and also responding to other people in the server we share without responding to my messages. This really caught me off guard because this wasn't even directly after we had some conflict, but we even had started to interact like normal again and then out of the blue, gone. I guess to some extent there was the writing on the walls, where she showed a lot of red flags, of course not things that she needs to do but just different issues that end up causing so much damage in relationships with others. It's really weird to write that out, because I'm so worried about the way it's perceived. But at the same time victims that are innocent can also end up with red flags of their own, like this is separate but I remember when I first had my experiences with a jealous or clingy girlfriend, it quickly became apparent how that's actually way worse than what I expected. And this kind of stuff happens in so many different aspects, and it's super easy to romanticize or act like these things are harmless compared to the red flags of aggression or lying. But at the same time, what I'm guessing is conflict avoidance has fully just trashed what was a good friendship. I'm at a weird spot where I know what she is doing is irrational and is not something that I should beat myself up about. I think there's probably some things I did or said that are either miscommunications, or are things she didn't like. But especially because this kind of happened out of the blue, and her response being a complete lack of communication and ignoring my attempts to ask if everything is okay, I'm really thankful I'm experienced enough to know that trying to diagnose and fix this issue completely blind is unrealistic and unhealthy for me. I really hope this doesn't come off as me saying I did nothing wrong and I am infallible, I feel okay because I tried to communicate, and it is unreasonable for me to ruminate on this and overthink to try to diagnose what happened from her point of view.

It still sucks a lot. T with someone I considered a really close friend, and it's one of those things where you just click. We've known each other for about 3 months or so, and it sucks because I know a lot about them. And I actively do care for them and I want the best for them as a person, And sometimes I caught myself because I felt like I was falling too much into that caretaker role. And it sucks because that means that someone mattered to you, in a way that's good, but that space in your brain can be put to rest. It would have been nice to be friends, but at the same time I guess I'm thinking that with the version of them in my mind. The one where we get along and there's no problems. But once there are some problems, the fact that we couldn't communicate about it in a way without it exploding like this, even without me making a choice that's a deal breaker. I've had enough relationships with people in my life where things blow up at the first conflict, and I've had so many relationships where that hasn't been the case. I think this is a scary thing, since this is my first time living and so I don't know if it's my fault or some big issue that I'm doing that I don't know about that causes this. But thankfully through years of talking about this topic in therapy, I think I have a fairly grounded view on it. I think because of the person that I am, I get along and attract people with their own share of issues. And I think it's a fairly good indicator when people struggle to maintain friendships, but I'm not that person. And so I feel fairly okay. I'm of course super sad, and I probably will be for a bit, mourning what could have been of this friend, but I will be okay. And it's not going to hurt me as much as it has in the past. And so I'm really thankful for the work that I've done because this doesn't dig into that scar anymore.