There you go
I was again depressed today. It was pretty difficult and I actually broke down crying this morning. I had a dream about E, It was like a book or something like that that she had mailed me and it contained letters giving updates about her life. I didn’t really get a chance to read it, but it was just like opening up that grief again. I still remember what it was like to wake up and every single day be consumed by that grief, going and sitting as far as I could from my work in a parking lot and just breaking down crying. And I thought about how there’s a good chance she doesn’t think about me anymore, because she now has a different partner. And I tell myself that that is not necessarily healthy because given her track record, typically she would jump from relationship to relationship. And I think the issue with this is you the surface level problem and you eventually want to just take the easy way out and get away from having to face that grief and loss. It’s way easier to just replace it with something else and I don’t blame her for it or anything like that. But I think if nothing else there is value and virtue to sitting with this pain and discomfort rather than being unable to tolerate it. And I think the part that really hurts me is not her specifically, but losing someone that I love so much. And it’s all of the small little benign things that become so much more brutal when it’s codependency. It also doesn’t help that I see her name almost everywhere.