An Open Letter

I don’t know why today but I decided that even though it would probably hurt a little bit less if I waited more time I’m going to throw away the bag of stuff that I kept in the shed from our relationship. I went through everything because it was going to be the last time I was going to see them. And I decided that all of it should be thrown away. I feel guilty for growing away lemon, since I spent a lot of nights cuddling lemon and I feel like the parrot of that stuffed animal but at the same time it is just a stuffed animal and I don’t need to torture myself by humanizing it too much. I also decided to throw away the other presence and stuff that she gave me because I don’t want to carry those memories with me longer than I have to, and I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to separate those memories which is not a bad thing either. I just don’t want to be constantly reminded of them. I read the birthday card that she gave me. Twice. And then I threw it away without taking a picture. In the card she told me how much she loves me and how she loves to see the passion in my eyes and getting to hear about my perspective on the world and how many things I’ve been able to teach her. She told me that the only thing she wants is to be able to move in with me. I remember in one of the cards that I gave her, I wrote about how I’ve never been religious but I found heaven and it’s me laying awake in bed with her softly snoring on my chest, with me wanting to stay awake as long as possible to just save that memory. And it hurts because for some reason my brain wants to first say that it was wasted on her, something that beautiful, but it was not. I wrote those things because that’s how I felt and that’s what she gave me. And she also gave me a lot of horrible things I don’t want to romanticize the relationship, I remember going through the gratitude journal that she gave me and seeing the things that she wrote down and seeing the things that I wrote down, and it feels like I just had such a low bar or expectation, that I was trying to find ways to be grateful for the fact that she apologized for something after a lot of explanation for me, even though there was no behavior to back that up. And it sucks that I felt so unsafe and volatile in that relationship. And it hurts to see the times where she writes how much she loves me and how much she wants to spend her life with me and how I was able to teach her to apologize, but I couldn’t teach her how to actually change her behavior. And I think there’s just so much of a discrepancy between what would be healthy for me in a relationship and what she was able to offer, and that just caused so much friction and eventually the end. But it still hurts to throw away the framed photo of us that she gave me as one of her apologies near the end. She wanted to show me that she was committed and that she did care and that she didn’t want to change and that was her way of showing that she could put in effort. And it was so incredibly sweet of her. She framed the photo of us at the cat café that I took her to as a surprise. And it really hurts because I remember his feelings instead of had enough time to fade into the back, but with these small little things and these memories I remember how much I loved her. Like it’s such a beautiful feeling to care about someone so much and want to make them happy that you don’t even feel like it’s effort or work at all. It’s something that you want to do and it’s so incredibly rewarding. I have to kind of force myself to do these creative projects at different artsy things that I like and I’ve never once had to force myself to think about her or to try and execute these cute dates or things that would make her feel loved. Like wanting to write her cards, or to try to think about ways that I can help her or make her life easier. And it’s just that feeling of loving someone. And God it hurts to remember how I don’t have that anymore. It’s such a beautiful thing to be able to love someone like that and it’s so incredibly priceless to feel like that’s reciprocated. To think and to feel to believe that someone sees you and just wants to make you happy and just wants the best for you. And it hurts because I really did feel that and I don’t think that E is a bad person, and I don’t think that she was intentionally manipulative or aware of the bad things that she was doing, and I really do believe that she loved me. And I know that I loved her. And I know that both of us hurt in different ways and we both have to go through our own journeys and she is not alone in her path, even though it’s not one that I can relate to. And I know that vice versa is true. But it really does hurt to hold both of those truths together in a way that I don’t feel like I was able to earlier in the breakup. It hurts to understand that someone can love you and you can love them and they can have the best intentions, and at the same time they can still hurt and be toxic and do all of these things that are not OK. And I know that this vacuum and hole that I’m feeling from losing what was something incredibly beautiful is a necessary pain because it was beautiful in the same way that a drug is. It’s not sustainable and it’s something that can be damaging if you tie yourself to it so heavily. And there were absolutely things that I’m so grateful for and I am glad that I had this relationship, there was a lot of things that I had to learn and be aware of and thankfully because of that relationship I am more suited and positioned to hopefully find a partner where I do feel safe and consistently so. I don’t want to have every week or every other week another big problem or another potential dealbreaker pop-up. I don’t want her to yell at me when I try to voice that something hurts, or have to find out that she was hiding things like exes or talking to people that are showing interest in her. I don’t want to have this jealousy or conflict that isn’t communicated to me about my other friends, even with my attempts to be transparent. I don’t want to feel like there’s a different life that’s being hidden from me, and seeing the differences between her when she’s around me and her when she’s around other people. And I want to know that the big things that hurt me can be remedied, rather than them being disregarded or ignored or minimized.

But I do miss the good. And I know that overall it was a very clear sign that this was not a relationship for me and I am grateful in a sense, because there were enough explicit things and enough that pushed me hard enough to see that I was in the wrong for trying to make it work constantly. And this would have hurt me so much more if there were these different things that were incredibly valued to me in the relationship, or if it was just that zone of comfortable discomfort. I’m so grateful that it happened when it did and it didn’t last longer, and God forbid something like marriage or children. And I really do believe that there is some sort of divine planning in my life or some kind of a overseer that gives me these opportunities and experiences in ways that I truly need, even when I don’t think I do – all while protecting me as much as possible through it. And I will be OK. And I mean that in the sense of in the future I will have a life that will be so beautiful and it will be filled with the things that I am currently wishing for, like a loving wife that I feel safe with, hopefully children, and I really hope Hash for a long time. I will have someone who will love Hash just as much as me, if not more. And he will be so incredibly loved and safe. And I will find someone that matches me in the ways that matter, and someone that will be a great mother to future children. Someone that will be able to give them a childhood not just of love, but of stability. And that is so incredibly important to me. And it’s so important that it’s not worth a wide confidence interval for potential, but rather a narrow necessity.

I firmly and truly believe that my future will be everything that I want, either through divine planning, or through sheer effort and intentionality. I love you man, and I know that there’s a lot of pain and hurt that comes from living life, but I want to remind you that it is worth it.