An Open Letter

They finally responded to me, and they said they did not want to talk. They said they wanted more time no contact, and would not clarify at all any updates or if they had changed how they were feeling since we last talked. I'm very happy that I set my foot down and was assertive that while I respect that they do not want to talk about anything, I don't want to be left in the dark for a week when their response is kind of a 180 from what we had last talked. Eventually I coaxed out the fact that they are still not sure if they want to be friends afterwards, and so we left it at that. We also said no contact until Saturday evening.

I guess this means that I mentally should prepare to go down the route of us not actually being on good terms. I know the more I think about it, that this is probably just because they haven't had enough time to think about it and they're still hurting, but I don't have any indication on whether it's them not knowing if they can separate and not catch feelings, or if they resent me for something, or if God knows whatever reason. And so now essentially I'm left with this prisoner's dilemma of deciding whether or not I should consider them as a friend, or if I should move on and accept that we are on essentially ghosted terms.

They said that they were emotionally overworked and they finally today had a chance to take a break, and so they hadn't had time to process it or think about it. But at the same time the last we talked, we were on pretty good terms and it was originally them saying that hopefully we can stay friends. The fact that they are now the one casting doubt on this, I want to have some self-respect and think about what this would look like. If we were friends and that's what they decided afterwards, then I guess everything is fine, but I am upset that I had to deal with this turmoil and risk of deciding whether or not to move on and not risk getting hurt. If they don't want to be friends and I I mentally do prepare to be friends, then it feels like I was led on for 2 weeks instead of them just telling me that they wanted to move on. And now I essentially would have to deal with the feelings of abandonment it would be something that I would consider cruel since it is unnecessary put me through this pain. Now if they want to be fence but I have moved on from them mentally, I think he would be kind of hard for me to not have that resentment against them. Like it's kind of hard to be friends with someone after they like directly to your face said oh man I don't know if I want to be friends with you, and then it goes a week. Like to me that just doesn't feel like someone that I would want to be friends with, since that just feels like a blatant disregard for personal self, and it's not like I need this person in my life either. Now if they don't want to be friends and I also prepare for that, then I think it would still hurt, as much as I would like it not to. I think it would kind of feel like dealing with the rest of the breakup, since I guess I've been able to process it fairly well because I was under the impression we are ending on good terms.

I think I was in a pretty good spot mentally before today, and I'm not a fan of being put in this limbo. I think I'm going to try to get some outside opinions and decide what to do about this, part of me is considering telling them that from my point of view this puts me in a very rough position where I either need to risk being hurt and blindsided, or already move on from them. I obviously don't want to have to move on from them and essentially act like they are dead to me, but maybe that's a choice that I need to prepare for, no matter how uncomfortable.

Let me also take a little bit to try to understand her point of view. She just finished finals, and has been working and busy with other stuff. She said that today was the first day she got a break mentally, and hasn't had much time to really process and think through things. Maybe she's saying she can't say that she still wants to be friends because she is starting to feel the loneliness setting in, and maybe it's because things that she had compartmentalized have come to light. I know that I processed this really fast, or at least a majority of it – and I'm not sure how she handles things like this, and so maybe she just doesn't want to rush into something potentially damaging to her. There's so many different possibilities, and I'm not sure which one would be the right thing to believe. But I do think however it's not the right time to bring up anything today since she is emotionally stressed and hasn't had time in process things as much as I have. Maybe the best thing would be to just act like she doesn't exist forget about her and just put that on pause for a couple days at least.