An Open Letter

Not really sure what happened but I got put on the waitlist for the Barcade event tomorrow that I was looking forward to. Oh well, I am kind of grateful that I get to take a little bit of a breather from all of the socialization, and I anyway need to catch up on attack on Titan in time for the movie. I feel like I’m starting to become more and more extroverted, I’m noticing that I’m less anxious with every new interaction and I’m also not necessarily drained afterwards. I don’t really feel that crash that sometimes comes with social experiences. I think that it’s actually really nice to have a kind of constant stream of events with people from a source that I do not need to create. Like I don’t need to worry about all the logistics of hosting or setting up an event, because I can just go to one of these events. I feel like there is a cup half full and cup half empty moment here, where I feel like I am very lively and constantly making everyone at my table laugh pretty frequently. And I think this has helped my self-confidence because I am more and more confident in the fact that I am a very interesting person that is charismatic and very good at conversation. I can talk to essentially anyone and have a good conversation, one where people look to join and want to interact more with me in the future. I think I’ve also gotten a lot more comfortable with soft social skills like ending conversations, introducing myself to people or joining and moving around different social groups. I’ve gone a lot more comfortable with eating with people, which is actually very nice. I used to be very anxious around it, because I wasn’t allowed to do this growing up and as a result I felt very anxious because it was very unfair. But I’ve had a good amount of experiences now both one on one and also in group setting, and I’ve been able to recognize that a lot of the concerns that I had while valid or rather things that only really exist when I try to solve some situation or make sure I fully understand it before jumping into it. I also want to recognize that it’s only taken me a few experiences to feel comfortable with this and I think that’s a testament to my growth and versatility.

I do think however there’s also the cup half empty perspective, where I’ve felt like I have met people varying from people I just don’t really mess with or don’t really enjoy interacting with too much, two people that are almost like sidekicks for a lack of better word. It’s felt like there are some friends that I’ve made that don’t really speak up in conversations or don’t really contribute too much, but are reliable people to laugh at jokes with, or to talk to at any point. And I do value these friends, and I think they serve an important niche in social groups, but I haven’t really felt like I’ve met people that are good at conversations or funny, like my gold standard of A. I get discouraged when I think about how I would like to find someone who reminds me of me and can make me laugh similarly, because I think it’s always going to be biased by the fact that I have spent my entire life with myself in a way that no one else can. And my perception of other people will always be different than a perception of self. But when I think about A, or A, they consistently can make me laugh without me providing something. I have a lot of friends that can make me laugh in the sense that I can make a joke or I can provide something or I can build on something they say, but I do have a few friends that are just genuinely very creative and funny. And I kind of wish I was able to meet more people like that, and it feels rare. And I think that’s the kind of pessimistic angle to view things, in the fact that I have met a dozen or so people in the last week and I haven’t really found anyone that has made me laugh consistently. This isn’t saying that I haven’t found great people and new friends, but there still is something to be desired.