An Open Letter

Today I did something that was pretty weird, and not in a good way. It’s one of those things that you learn from and don’t do again. I know I struggle a lot with guilt but I don’t think I have anything to feel excessively guilty about so I’m doing my best to minimize the shame because I know that it’s past the point of productivity. One thing that kind of does stick with me right now though is the idea of how certain things are ok or are allowed if you are attractive. I realized this because once I started feeling offputting to new friends and insecure, I wanted to go to the gym mostly so that I could reaffirm that I am physically attractive and I think that’s a weird response in my head. I think I’ve become attractive at least to me because of my muscles, and I kind of use that as a crutch emotionally sometimes, like I think I realized I’ve been texting N much more than she has been texting me, and while she could be just not a great texter, I think this is something where I need to regulate myself a bit. It’s just strange that I believe that I don’t need to change as much as I would’ve if I was less attractive, like I was a few years ago.