An Open Letter

Something that I really don't like but myself is I tend to overthink and plan out interactions in advance when I'm nervous. I end up rehearsing mentally over and over different scenarios and what mannerisms and body languages I'll have. It makes everything feel almost performative to me, and I end up having a lot of anxiety around social interactions because they start to feel like something I need to prepare for, like a presentation or exam.

I don't know what happened, I used to be such a confident person when it came to talking and things like that. Now my throat closes up at minor inconveniences, and I find myself unable to talk. I like texting or messaging for this reason, because then I don't need to worry about my tone, facial expressions, or anything else like that. It feels almost psychopathic to say it like this – but to me it feels very reasonable. I don't get how people are not bothered by the fact that their body language or face may betray what they really think. Maybe it's because I police everything I say whenever I'm having a real conversation. I wonder if what I'm doing is right.