Weight
I think this is one of those things where I’ve learned that no matter what there’s no winning this game. I’m both happy that I’m lean, since I have pretty pronounced abs, and I think that I’m at an almost “ideal” body type for the female gaze. I say this because of the above mentioned fact, but also because I’m I think at that nice precipice of being muscular, but not too muscular. Also I think arguably the nicest part of my physique is my forearms, and vascularity, the latter which is partially dependent on me being at this weight (~170 lbs). But with all of those nice things, I’d say I’m unhappy, since I want to be more towards 200 lbs. This is more for functional reasons, such as not being fucking manhandled by someone 2 weight classes above me in jiujitsu, and also being generally stronger. Also for aesthetic reasons, I want to feel more like a “man,” I guess, by having that stature. I know that there’s no “one size fits all” for the female gaze, and that being on the heavier side is also attractive. But I guess it’s a bit detached from that for me, I haven’t really been too concerned with aesthetics, at least in the sense of being attractive to women. I think that’s partially a relic of low self-esteem, and not having much weight in my mind for being attractive, since most of my self-view has been detached from that from the start.
I guess I’m just generally somewhat unhappy with the general hedonic treadmill aspect of it — I both want to be lean and cut, but I also want to be bulkier and larger. I know these things are somewhat at odds with each other, and so it’s a recipe for unhappiness if I want both of them. I guess it always boils down to this “want”, like the concept of dukkha from Buddhism. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to eliminate this however, the grass seems to always be greener on the other side. Right now I’m cut with visible abs, plenty of vascularity, and muscle definition. I know these are things I enjoy and am happy about, meaning I would also start to want those instead if I was heavier weight. But I want to be heavier weight so I have that sense of control and don’t feel powerless. Also I get the huge benefit of being fucking stronger. I know that I should be proud of my lifts, additionally at my bodyweight. My DOTS score is about 320, which is at the top end of average according to a random source on tiktok, which is I guess good comparing to powerlifters with my context, but overall I just feel pretty pathetic. I know that this is delusion, since if I go out in public or even go to the gym, there will be like <1% of people there with stronger lifts, and almost all of those people will be way heavier and bigger than I am. But that’s where my want lays I guess, I can’t be content while there’s someone above me. I know this mindset helped me a lot for success, but it’s not great for contentment I guess.