An Open Letter

I had some bad dreams last night, and I guess I've been just not feeling too good for a while. Right now I'm feeling pretty sad about S and L. I feel like they're both way closer to each other than me, and I feel kinda pushed away. But maybe that push is just my depression. I can't help but think about the things they do together that I've asked them about or tried to do and it's always failed. I'm also thinking about the several times they've talked about videos they send each other while I miss out. L also didn't have my contact saved after I had asked a few times. They also don't really ever send me things that happen for them, like S got their piercing and didn't even mention it till a few days later. I feel a lot of shame when I want to share things or want to tell them things because the feeling doesn't seem mutual. And that hurts me a lot more than id like to admit. I find myself wanting to pull away, as I just keep getting the feeling like they don't see me the way I see them. It feels like I'm not someone they think about, but more as a friend out of convenience. I don't know what to do if I'm honest.