An Open Letter

T sent me something today that hurt and it was the same issue that I tried to tell her yesterday. I sent her messages about it carefully thought out, and she immediately doubled down and said she doesn't care. I told her that if that was the case I don't really feel comfortable with some of the jokes we make anymore, and then she realized it's a miscommunication and then I had to clear it up. But the damage was kind of done. She did something that pushed on a sensitive topic for me that she knew about, I brought it up to her, and she doubled down. That broke a lot of my trust in her because I told her that something she did made me feel uncomfortable and her first response made me feel like she didn't care. If I seriously talked to someone about something that affected me, and that's their response, the only logical thing I can really do is just acknowledge how that person handled a situation that hurts me, and keep armor up around them. And I don't want to do that with someone who I consider a close friend.

Without going into details, I felt emasculated by the things she said and her actions. This has always been a sensitive subject for me, because I guess masculinity has been something that I've somewhat struggled with. I'm not a “toxic masculine” person, but masculinity is a big part of my identity I guess. I also have feminine traits but that's not who I am predominantly. And I think this issue is really more prominent because of how much of my personality changes based on the people I'm around. It's not like I'm faking anything, but it's just that I behave differently around different groups, and around T I mostly act more feminine, because that's the kind of person she is. We have a running joke of me being a twink, and I was fine with it till now. She used femininity to insult someone that was really really bad, but to me that felt like all of the times she joked about me being a twink was not in jest, but rather an insult. And then I felt like all that I am is being reduced to some bitch because that's all she knows about me.

It's not like she's seen me in person. It's not like she knows how strong I am, or how many years I've done combat sports. And how good I am at them. She hasn't seen me in masculine environments. She hasn't seen me fight. She doesn't understand how fucking good I am at the things I do. She doesn't know about what happens behind closed doors. She doesn't know so much shit about me, like so many other people don't. And so all she fucking knows is the soft bitch sides of me that I am around her, because I want her to feel comfortable. Because I know she doesn't feel comfortable around men for valid reason, and so she doesn't see so much about me. I am a man. And it fucking pisses me off so much when shit like this happens, because if some guy says this shit to me, I can just beat their ass. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here? They are afraid of men, just like so many other people. There's a reason women feel comfortable around me so consistently, and that's because I am so much more than just the masculine parts of me. But I also absolutely am those masculine parts of me also. And it feels like I just have to fucking sit here and take it as someone laughs at me and treats me like a little bitch. And I can't do anything for their own sake.

Now I'm just filled with rage, and I couldn't even hit the fucking punching bag at the gym because my phone was about to die and I had to go home. And I don't have anything in my apartment that I can hit. But all I want to do is just beat the shit out of someone. I miss fighting people in Jiu-Jitsu that had 20 lbs on me and just muscling through them. I miss knocking people over from kicks while they were holding the pads. But I fucking moved and I haven't found any combat gyms yet. And so this part of me just sits fucking welled up.

I'm so much more than what any one individual knows. Especially in the case of T. I'm glad they feel comfortable around me, and that this is another person where I'm one of the only men they trust. I'm really fucking mad it comes at my expense.