An Open Letter

Hey me. Today I had therapy again, and something she told me to do was to try to do CBT every day of this week. This is me trying to stay to that, along with my own steps for my mental health.

I’m a bit stressed about being a TA, especially since I don’t know the course material. I haven’t really kept up with any of the lectures or anything like that, so I’m always worried I don’t know the material enough to help out, but I still am able to, since the labs are fairly separate. Oh well.

I’m also a bit worried about how I’m perceived. I think it’s a bit strange that I do stuff like write on this blog, all while it’s linked to my social media accounts. I’m glad I don’t have this tied to more “normal” social media. I think I’m a fairly strange person, and that’s something I’m weirdly proud of. I don’t like the idea of being someone who fits a mold. I think it’s a fairly cringy thing when I mention it, but for me, it’s more I don’t like the norm. I have no issue conforming, but I would rather be someone who is violently open to life. I want to live unapologetically, as someone who isn’t afraid to love and live openly.

Something my sister wrote in her description of herself for the US Presidential Scholars award was how she was “unapologetically smart”, and I think that was something that fundamentally changed how I saw life. I fell in love with those words – I find that’s something I have tried to remind myself again and again.

I find the most common place I lie is because I don’t want other people to feel bad. I don’t know if this is because of my own issues with that, or because I’m short-sighted and don’t see how that can backfire eventually. I don’t really know how to answer questions sometimes. Today a friend asked me how many pull-ups I could do, and I answered maybe two. I think I could probably do like four, which really isn’t much of an improvement – but I still somewhat lied as I didn’t want to diminish their potential achievements. I did immediately feel weird afterward, as they mentioned how my progress with the gym may not equate to strength directly – and they refined this thought in a different way but that weirdly stuck with me.

I thought later about if I would rather be underestimated, or overestimated. I realized throughout my life I always consider myself to be underestimated, but I think that’s because of how I constantly present myself. I always have a faux-humility around my talents or skills, as I partially want people to underestimate me deep down. I’m afraid of disappointing people I think. I also want to be able to fuel my ego by being more than what people think. It helps feed that fantasy of being underestimated, and having that grand triumph of finally revealing it, like some weird anime-esque moment. It’s weird to mention my flaws so openly, but it just feels natural.

I guess in the theme of just rambling, I feel weird whenever people mention I’m ‘brave’ or anything of that sort regarding being open with this blog. I can’t help but think it’s a somewhat condescending way of mentioning judgment in a socially acceptable way. I don’t think this is something good, to post such intimate things constantly in such a public way. I wouldn’t be surprised if people have talked about this behind my back, or if this has put people off. But at the same time, I don’t really know if that would be something I care about too much. I have my own selfish reasons for having this blog, but part of me also doesn’t expect anyone to read this so I have the freedom to write whatever.

I struggle with this in texts, conversations, calls, and everything else of the sort. I feel like I’m too much of a person. I have a lot of things you could argue are repressed, and so when I get an avenue to display them I overdo it. I like using the analogy of someone on a deserted island, who finally gets a potato. Ideally, they would plant the potato, and that way they can grow enough to live off of. If they’ve been hungry long enough, nothing can stop them from just eating the potato there and then – eventually dooming them again. I feel like this is the same with a lot of social things. Coming into ‘real’ life, I had so many things neglected, and I was starving for them so badly. When I got a taste of them, I never would think I could have it again, and I would overdo it. I’ve had to very consciously regulate myself around these things, and now I’m no longer starving. But those learned patterns are still there. This blog is cathartic to me, as I don’t expect anyone to read it. It does make me happy in some ways when I hear that people read it once in a while, but also I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to keep up with it. This way I have the freedom to be myself, with negligible fear of being too much.

God, I haven’t really talked in a while, have I? I have so much to tell you. It’s been a while since I’ve really thought about anything – hasn’t it? I’ve been pretty depressed for a while. It’s been kinda rough, especially with all of the other symptoms you know too well. But I think things are getting a bit better. I set my status a bit ago about how I hoped the rainbow would be beautiful; the whole thought of after the worst moments great things happen feels flawed. The last few times something horrible has happened, nothing great has come after it. But after all, isn’t being alive something great? It’s a gift to have Hash, my bed, and my (relative) health. I have a lot more to tell you, but it’s getting a bit late so let me do some CBT and go to bed.

Situation: I am worried about my future, as I don’t know how it will go. There are so many things that could go wrong, specifically for making friends.

Thoughts: I could think that because I can’t foresee it, it won’t happen. This fundamentally comes from the thought that everything good must come from my direct actions and planning.

Feelings: I would feel pretty damn hopeless. I would get more depressed I think, as I don’t have much optimism for the future without a concrete plan.

Behaviors: I mentioned getting more depressed, but I also wouldn’t put myself in the situations to make new friends, as I see it as something out of my control, as I can’t plan for it.

A less naive view:

Thoughts: It’s incredibly vain to think that I have control over everything in my life. Try to think about how many things have significantly changed my life arguably for the better that were at no planning of my own. The most I can do is put myself in positions for things like this and keep an optimistic view of life. I am not in fine control, but I can steer my life towards the one I want.

Feelings: I feel both less in control, and more at the same time. Funny how that works. I feel a bit more optimistic about life at the same time. I also weirdly feel like I either make more friends, and I’m happy, or the time passes and I don’t even miss it.

Behaviors: I think I am fundamentally more secure and content with life this way. I feel a bit more in touch with life, and less like a control freak who blames themselves for things out of my control.

I love you. That’s it. Unconditionally, 92 til infinity. Love you Sumna ♥