An Open Letter

I was fairly depressed for a while, but I think I’m finally back to being myself. I had a good amount of bad things happen, and I knew I wanted to believe a rainbow would come. I don’t think anything exceptional has happened, and it’s felt like finding 5 things to write down that made me happy each day has been a bit artificial.

But at the same time is it not a beautiful thing that I’m not depressed? I have my relative health, I have my dad, my friends, and Hash. Fuck it, maybe that’s a good enough rainbow for me. I saw something today while listening to an old song, and I wished there was some way to create it without butchering it into a cringy, shameful mess.

There’s a remix of a song I like, and it changes the genre of the song in an unexpected twist, into an intensely euphoric song. I was driving back home from getting groceries, and in my imagination saw colors split from the world. I saw geometric shapes come up out of the floor, almost like a wireframe topological map of the ground coming out. It felt like reality shifted a bit, and for a moment the only thing there was the song. Everything moved in time with the beats, and it took on an otherwordly blue/purple tint. I felt such an intense emotion. Every hair on my arm stood up. For a bit, that was the only thing that existed.

Things like this pick me up out of monotony and make me feel like there’s something else other than day-to-day life. I remember around a year ago I had a dream – I don’t often dream, maybe once every few months. In this dream, the only thing I still remember was a girl with eyes so intensely fixed on me. I felt both love, but also like I was actually being observed for once. I felt like they were seeing every part of who I was, past just the one-dimensional view tailored toward other people.

When I woke up, something was different from then. I told myself to never forget those eyes. Oh God, how real they were. I think that may be the meaning of life – I just have no clue what it was. But oh God.

Situation: I am two sides of the same coin.

Feelings: I feel depressed. I am not in control of my life, and things just happen to me. I end up in the same cycle, and the same circle every time.

Thoughts: What else can I do? I am doomed to the same patterns over and over again. I become myself again and again.

Behavior: I was going to say nothing changes, but no. Things get worse.

It could always land on its side:

Feelings: I feel emotion. I feel anger, rage, sadness, euphoria all at the same time. Call me a Borzoi dog, because I will make it mine.

Thoughts: That’s the life I’ve always longed for. I will make it mine.

Behavior: 59 seconds was all it took to do the impossible. That’s how long the first flight was. I think it’s impossible for me to break this cycle, but everything’s impossible until it happens. There is not a single thing I have put my mind to that I have not done. The only thing that matters is if I want it or not, and god damn do I want it. I want it more than anything else.

Love you. ♥