An Open Letter

I’m happy to say that I am well I would consider pretty much completely over my ex, but I think it kind of comes a little bit with the territory that I have started to forget a lot of the bad things. There are a couple specific moments or memories that I have that I guess I kind of do cherish, in the sense that I’m a little bit worried that I won’t get to experience something like that again. And I know that this is cherry picking and so I don’t treat this as something obtainable, but there are specific moments that I feel like “hey, I think this is what I’ve dreamed of.” like for example, showering with her and seeing her goofy smile, and feeling completely comfortable being able to be myself. The routine of getting out of the shower and giving her her towel, getting ready for bed together, and then having her lay against my chest while I read. And how much I loved cuddling her. And the nights where things were perfect, are absolutely wonderful, and I do want to remind myself that there was a lot of issues and a lot of times where things were very much not perfect at all. There were a lot of boundaries that were crossed, there was a lot of times where I didn’t feel safe, there was a lot of incompatibilities and things that I wouldn’t want in a partner. And so overall, I’m very glad that this was something to learn from an experience that I got to have and grow from. But some of those little slices of heaven do feel like have taste tasted caviar, and I kind of don’t wanna go back to tilapia. And that makes me feel sad in a deep way. I remember that I told her that she was the best sex that I had had, and I didn’t feel like I was lying and I’m grateful for that. But I worry now that with any kind of dating, maybe it isn’t that I’m always upgrading and having better and better sex, maybe I did have someone on the upper end of the bell curve. And I know that I do not want to go back to it and I think that this is just one of those instances where you can do nothing but sit with the grief.