Who even knows
Last night my Dad slept over in my apartment since he would take the Prius down to SD to sell. I couldn’t sleep partially because it was way earlier than I’m used to, but also because I was just so depressed. I was thinking about the future and just why I felt that way. Also for the first time in months, I started thinking about killing myself. It was in those early stages, where the thought just pops in briefly – as in “Woah there! Those problems seem very scary. I know a great solution!”
I’m scared of the change that’s happening this week. Most of my friends I made are leaving, since they’re on the quarter system. I also did start getting more afraid or insecure from some of A’s comments rubbing off – like how they mentioned how S would invite her but most likely hang out with the others after dropping them off. Things like that made me feel insecure about my own situations, and it kinda did undo some of the CBT and therapy work that I’ve been doing. But also thankfully I’m in a place where I realized what’s happening and I’m at least aware of that fact.
I think this loneliness epidemic is a terrifying thing, and I understand why people enjoy having housemates now. It’d be nice to not be alone with your thoughts against your will if everyone’s busy. This year I’m going to push myself to again expand my social network.