An Open Letter

I know I’m struggling with a depressive episode right now so I don’t want to take any thoughts right now too seriously. But I’ve been struggling with feeling attractive or wanted while talking with E. At least physically. I give her a lot of praise and positive feedback which she eats up, and I’m genuine in giving it. But I’ve also told her a few times that I would really like to receive positive feedback, and especially proactively. And she acknowledges it, but it doesn’t ever really come. It feels like she often responds with something along the lines of she needs to spend more time with me. That combined with the fact she said that her attraction is shaped by knowing the person, I end up just feeling like she doesn’t find me that attractive right now. It feels like whenever I try to clear up this uncertainty it just gets worse, almost like she’s saying “heyyyy, stop asking questions you don’t want the answer to”. I think my depression is biasing me a lot, but I feel like I’m just consistently getting the feedback that I find her way hotter than she finds me. God I want to be wanted. I hate this feeling of almost begging for her to tell me if she finds me attractive, and then getting what ends up feeling like a consolation trophy back. It makes me angry in the way that thinly covers grief. I want to yell into nothing about how I AM hot now, and how lots of people find me attractive. I’m not ugly anymore, I’m not too small or skinny, I’m not fat either, and I look great because of this work I’ve put in. I’m worth wanting and lusting over finally, and it’s not a reflection on me that she doesn’t find me as hot as I wish she did. It sucks because I still have hope that she’s just not vocal about it the way I am. That hope sucks because then I have to keep fighting this thought. Or is it just easier to give in? What happens if I just believe that I’m not that hot to her? God it’s too explicit for me to try to ignore it. Time to do CBT, it’s too clear I should be doing that here.

Situation:

E isn’t proactive with her attraction to me, and I’ve brought up several times that I really value someone giving me those positive affirmations, especially proactively.

Thoughts:

She doesn’t find me attractive right now. Out of politeness she gives me consolation prize compliments when I beg, but since she hasn’t been proactive yet that’s evidence that she doesn’t find me that attractive.

Feelings:

Shame, disgust in myself, anger, grief, and I feel pathetic.

Behavior:

I make her less attractive in my mind because it would hurt too much to really care and value someone who I’m just a consolation prize to.

But a better thought would maybe be,

Thoughts: She just doesn’t show it over text remotely the way I am comfortable doing. I know a lot of people aren’t as good as me at going out of their way to say things for other people’s sake. She probably does find me attractive, just doesn’t think to express it in the way I want.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but more in an “aw man that’s a shame” kind of way. I feel still like my self image is intact, and it doesn’t hurt the same way.

Thoughts: Aw man, sucks but isn’t nearly as bad as depression wants me to believe.

Behavior: I probably talk with her a little about it so I don’t feel like it’s one sided, and then I’m fine waiting for things to change.

Man I’m happy every time I do cbt, I just wish I felt the urge to do it more when I should.