Withdrawal
What I’ve noticed is the part that kind of scares me the most about a breakup in a way is the part that makes it an unhealthy relationship. Today I spent time with some friends, but after that I kind of got really tired and friends got off and so I just wanted to do nothing almost. And the issue is that do nothing means I wanted to spend time with E. Just having her around and being able to spend that passive time together is so nice. Like she’s there and so I don’t even have to worry about boredom or loneliness or just that mind this kind of doom scrolling. I always have something to do when she’s there, and I always have someone to do it with. And I think that is a problem. I think that becomes a problem because I basically always have a source of escapism, and because of that I never actually have to enrich my life and face that discomfort necessary for change. If I could take a pill that removed all discomfort from my life, I would never have any good experiences, or any kind of ambition, drive, or motivation really. And I think that you can argue that maybe a goal in life is to eliminate discomfort, but at the same time I would argue that life is much more meaningful and enriched and actually enjoyed, not just a punishment you can minimize.
And so I guess it’s kind of hard, when I want to just reach out and text her. I think part of the reason why this isn’t affecting me too too heavily it’s because I think it’s temporary, in the sense that this weekend I will be able to interact with her again hopefully. But also I guess what’s the difference then, between this and just the understanding that I will have some sort of social interaction and enrichment soon? Like even if I have to make all new friends, and I have to get past that initial period of both exploration and also hoping that their people I really enjoyed the company of, doesn’t that mean that the discomfort will be temporary?
I think it’s one of those things where a relationship is something that I really hope for in life, but I think it’s one of those things where to be able to use it I need to be able to prove that I don’t need it. And I think that’s something I’m kind of struggling with right now if I’m being honest, meaning there’s significant room for improvement. I know that I will be able to find another relationship, and I also know that I don’t need a partner to satisfy every single niche for them to be a good partner. But I do think that no matter what I would still fall victim to the trap of wanting to move too fast with someone as the shortest path out of loneliness. I do still really care about E, and I know that we do have issues and at the end of the day if things do not work out I’ll be OK. But at the same time I do want to make sure that my love for her is one that sustainable so that if we get this opportunity together I can do my best to make sure it’s good for both of us.