An Open Letter

Heyo! Second post today, wowzers! I threw up a little bit in my mouth typing that.

The girl from the martial arts class texted back, and she asked me to hang out! I think this is implied to be a date, but sweet lord I do not understand this stuff that well. I was asking a friend who’s pretty well versed with this stuff about social norms, and I think I came to the conclusion that wow this shit is wack.

How stupid is it that you have to go on dates, imply they’re dates, but not call them dates? And you can’t really be explicit about what you want or what you’re looking for until you’ve both successfully beaten around the bush enough times. Half-assed hate aside, it makes sense. But at the same time man, this shit is hard!

Thinking about it, my two adult relationships were 1. Tinder, and 2. them asking me out. The closest I’ve come to properly asking someone out was writing a coded letter asking her out, slipping it in her lunchbox, and then running out of school (it was 7th grade). I guess there’s no way around this problem without experience itself. I think I have this weird quirk where I like to study things, but never apply them. I used to watch videos on League of Legends, watch coaching VODs, and do a ton to learn – and then never play ranked. I think I’ll probably do the same thing if I just go on autopilot here. I think I need to just get over this fear/anxiety/whatever and get some experience with this. I wonder if it’s the fear of ruining potential relationships that petrifies me from exploring different actions. Oh well, since I’m working out with a friend tomorrow I should sleep early. Time for CBT!

Situation: B has heavily hinted that she wants to go on a date, or something along those lines.

Thoughts: Because things are not explicitly stated, I can assume that she is not interested in me, and play the safe route of doing nothing.

Feelings: 🥳 I am fully in my comfort zone! No potentially scary things happen!

Behavior: Maybe this relationship would be amazing, regardless I think it would be something I don’t regret, no matter how it goes. I think I would regret it if I let this opportunity slip by. In the (paraphrased) words of Sam Sulek, “I would rather go too far than not go far enough”.

I think this is the first time I’ve done CBT, and the feelings get worse. I guess that’s a pretty important thing to note – if I still think it’s a better path, even if it makes me less peaceful, that must be pretty important.

Thoughts: Everyone has mentioned she is flirting with me. She has also implied that she wants to hang out, so all of the signs are there. But also, even if she wasn’t into me, she could become into me! I know she really enjoys weightlifting, and she may really like that in me – and I am fairly certain she enjoys my company too. I think it’s a fairly obvious trap now that I think about it because I don’t think people could like me, unless it is explicit, I simply cannot give the benefit of the doubt to them. But I know that’s wrong, so all that’s left for me is to consciously override this part of me.

Feelings: I feel scared, mostly because this is all unknown to me. I’m also excited! Opportunities like this don’t always happen. This almost feels like God giving me baby steps. First Tonia asked me out, now B is being fairly visible with her interest. I feel nervous but happy!

Behavior: I fuck around and find out! Realistically, if I somehow astronomically fumble this (worst-case scenario), I just make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to interact with me again. To reiterate – this is the worst possible scenario! That’s basically the same outcome if I do nothing, as we don’t interact outside of the class that’s ending after one more class. But the best case? Everything I’ve ever wanted. I have nothing to fear with this in mind, there is no cost to failure! The only real failure would be not trying.

This shit is scary dawg, imma keep it real. Love you for still wanting to try! Love you Big ♥