An Open Letter

Every day for the last few years, I’ve had a gratitude list where I write at least 5 things that I’m happy about that day. Today it was really hard to fill it up. I thought I did everything right. I was somewhat productive programming today, I went and worked out, played basketball in the sun, and I texted a lot and even played games with friends. I did my laundry. And yet I’m horribly depressed right now. I just want to cry from feeling this helpless. I went to pick up food, and I saw people out partying, and bills bus driving people to downtown. And then I felt sad that my friends don’t party or go out like that, and so I don’t have people to go with. In a few weeks, my six years in this college town will end. Honestly, I find myself terrified right now. The thing I’m most afraid of right now is the depression from the uncertainty of what will happen. It doesn’t help that I think that A will be going out and partying, and for some reason, I keep feeling this FOMO seeing it so close to me. A part of me thinks this is like my childhood all over again, growing up and not doing fun things because instead I was studying or focusing on things I had to do. And then those set me up super well for now, but I told myself I’d stop doing that and live life. I know that I’m just depressed right now, and I shouldn’t think about it much, but it does make me kinda sad that I don’t have that option. I feel sad that I never really got like a core group of friends that will last me my life, like I feel I always see. None of my original friend group did their masters here, and I never really replaced that in my classes. I have N and L, and also S but S faded away and I wish I had done more with N and L. Also it’s a shame I met R so late, she’s cool and I wish we could have hung out more. I get worried that this sporadic loneliness is something that I deserve. Like it’s something I did, and not just me being unlucky, through either circumstance or my childhood making me flawed in some way I can’t recognize. I wish I could hear more about how others feel lonely, because I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one like this. God I hope I’m not doomed to this forever. Everything changes. I just hope it changes for the better.

Situation – I saw bills bus and was already feeling depressed, and I was regretting something I can’t really pin down.

Thoughts – I feel like this has to mean that I’m flawed in some way and a loser, or something like that since I don’t have a friend group that goes out like that.

Feelings – I feel like crying, and I feel like I’ve wasted my life.

Behaviors – I feel miserable, beat myself up, and probably strain other relationships.

Thoughts – Way way way more people I know don’t party or club, compared to the people I know who do. It’s not like clubbing is something that’s a mandatory requirement to be normal or anything like that. I haven’t wanted to force myself to go with the opportunities I’ve had, and so it’s not like I’m unloveable.

Feelings – Still feel depressed, but this cloud passes.

Behaviors – One less battle.